Vestigious

I don't remember how it used to go. I don't want to remember

It's barely 2000, baby.

Are you as excited as me? I swam today. Are you as excited as me? I've learned the difference between facination and make-believe, and demonstrated it poorly. I'm going to bet that things are going to change in my favor and out of yours. I'm not going to hurt you, though, the way you hurt me. I'm a gentle deceiver. Part of the benefits of these things are the fun things we've done, are doing and will do. Let's dance to the ghosts we saw in the smoke. I'll let you lead, that is, until i feel that i can do better. Isn't that the lesson you always wanted me to learn?

And that ain't angry, sweetness, it is honesty.

Three things someone smart told me

No one really listens to the things that someone smart sometimes says. She said that anger is just big disappointment and small sorrow. She said that jealousy's just fear angry with self doubt. She said these things don't make love. She has solved my anguish, but left me with something scarier. I'm imagining ants walking on my limbs, in my hair. So i'm not angry anymore, i'm not jealous either, instead i imagine ants.

Our Parallel Universe

On my side of the fence, I chose Cohen with greens. You, Cash and fries. You're still making bets with yourself, while i keep my money on the pass line. And while you made yours with chain link and ivory, i just drew a line. You climb on your gate every afternoon and sing. I can hear you from my bedroom airduct. I don't cross my lines anymore because I cannot. I threw all our strange skeletons to keep up my fright. I also threw in my copy of Poltergeist. That means business, love. Don't you just know it? Part of every coincidence is still in my memory. With you, there's another me that we all can remember. While with me, only marsh with musik and a setting sun.

And while drinking Gin, no less.......

I've been wanting to get back into this, and try to digress from the nonsense I tend to write. I planned on a quiet Friday, studying so I can play tomorrow night. Instead, i broke into my liquor cabinet and revamped my blogger. I still want to put up some musik links, so i'm procrasting it's Debutante party till then, much like i've procrasted on getting more important shit done. I'd like procrast to be an acceptable term.
The tonic in my blood is suggesting that this post is not much of a stray away from my usual unnecessary tangents. I live by the freeway, close to where the 24 junctions into the 880. I heard a nasty accident. I hope it wasn't you.
I didn't really want to sit here for 20 more minutes typing up another drunken post that I'd regret in the morning, however, since i'm feeling good, i'll continue. You see, i like the colors of my new format, only i feel the sidebars need to be enlarged so it fits better in the page. Look around, what do you think? I'm right, right? Right.
I also thought about the links quite a bit. I thought about how i only have around 5 friends. Yes, yes, i counted you for my acquaintences don't read this, thus i don't write to them. Yes, i counted you. More than half of my 5 friends do not have websites, or weblogs, or things of that nature, so i thought i'd link to myspace pages. Don't be mistaken, my one-fifth, i'm not trying to give any impressions of having a big long list of friends. Like i said, five. I just wanted to include them here. As for the few links to blogs of those whom I rarely, if at all speak to, I saw their inclusion as an admittance to the fact that i read and enjoy their writing. That's a good thing. Right? Right again, fifth-y.
Another thing that I can describe well is my excitement surrounding the return of Daily Snoopings. You see, it sure is great to enter and snoop within a home with a secret key, however, it's not quite as invigorating as writing the follow-up. Maybe it's that English-major thing in me, but who really cares, only i love it. Like swimming in raw sewage. See, that's a joke for dorks. Do you get it? I bet you do. I was at a Birthday party on Thursday, where i began to describe my reacquaintance with the snooping to a young man named Rob. I began to talk about anal beads, and well, i was the life of the party. Not really, but i was happy. I've been happy alot these days. You should be happy for me. Oh, and i'm not just saying that because of the booze, it's true.
One last thing, these are going to be much more forward and honest. I miss honesty. I vaguely remember that it used to get me what i wanted. But i don't want anything from you, I promise. Keep well.

I dream sometimes

i don't want any more of my airplane dreams. Go away. Shoo. there's no need for you anymore. i'm done with impending doom. my mom, sister and i lived under our house, bad things were going on and she was really angry. I was scared but couldn't find the way out. There may have been an earthquake, it may have been war. And 3 nights ago, i was in a field with planes hovering. It looked like March Air Force Base. These dreams are too frequent, i want them done. Again, shoo fly don't bother me.

Motherfucking Fuck

What's with everyone taking their shit off the air. I lose contact with the internet for a few weeks, and everyone's gone hiding and shit. That shit ain't right, i ain't clever enough to find you foolios. Motherfucking fuck i'm tired. Go to sleep, Ronell.

Conversations

Watashi wa Sherin El-Antably. God, I want to take Portuguese. I gotta slow my role, girl. What about the dude? The new one, i mean. So what are we doing tonight? Apparently there is a party, but i can't go. I've gotta work tomorrow at 8. I can't show up like a drunken sailor. What i'd have to do is leave my house with no money, no ATM card, nothing. With the Bizzle double Izzle. Bounce. I don't want to go to the fucking Bull today. I wouldn't mind some Yayo. I've been Jones'ing for that shit. She said it would be an embarrassment. Is he arabic. I think he's African, chocolate. BuraBura, it means hanging testicles. She doesn't mess with the Chocolates. I think he was just a white black man, it's really unfortunate. You're Egyptian, you nubian. And she can't be too ghetto. Can she have gold teeth? Where's your gold tooth. Just wait baby, let me take my tooth out. Melt it down and make their own tooth. This my granmamma tooth. They got some hideous grills down there. Why would he lie about it? Why didn't you ever break anybody off back on Vernon? Coconut shimp rice. I love spicy. I tried to change the sheets, but that woman hit me. Cashing in on my bank account, paying some child support. The only reason you wouldn't have a kid is because you don't want to support it? Moko.....(long laugh)Today at work, i saw the most flaming Eurotrash, his eyelashes were curled and he smelled like basura. Ohhhh, Ohhhh, ssssshhh.

University of California, Berkeley Fall 2005

It has been 3.5 years since i've stepped foot on this soil. The aSuck is all wrong and tiered, they took down the map by those Stupid Gates, who even knows what northside looks like these days. But i was there and will be there for 3.5 more months. I'm a twenty-six year old bitterness with a soft voice and impeccable manners. Amongst strangers, my friends, amongst strangers!! I was approached by a pamphlet speaking of Jews for Jesus. I smiled, contacted eyes, and replied, "i've already read that one." The truth was that I already had. I was painfully calm and poised, without a headset, without a hoodie. I'm twenty-six years old, i'd say, and these days are different. I had taken the informative packet as one takes the frequent flyer issue from TJ's. Japanese seems difficult. Not the class, that is, not the language either. Languages are like mathematical equations, memorization, association. No, the difficulty lies in the dilligence of keeping to a grade that is split into 25 quizzes, 25 homeworks, 25 hand-raisings, 25 percents, 25 japanese students who already write hiragana, 5 white boys who already have their japanese princess in sight, and 1 nineteen year old girl who seems like someone slightly interesting. Who's going to make me laugh, and in what ways?

Las Vacaciones de Todas las Dias

I've already weened myself away from these vices. Beer, cigarettes, internet. Maybe if i drink porn and smoke heroin, life would seem different. You know where I was pleasant? On the beach, snorting sand, shoveling sun. I didn't have one moment to think about dandruff or false angles. I couldn't despise what i had written, because it was only my name, in cursive. I didn't despise your technique, because it was absent, in print. My happy rage can't understand Spanish, can't speak no shit. I was so happy, you shoulda seen it.

A True Friend

M: Uh.
Y: What?
M: Bring some beer. Bass or Pacificos.
Y: Okay.
M: Uh.
Y: Uh.

Foreign Policies

My country sleeps underneath a pillowsheet. My island is my home. My patriots have spit-up in their throats, and underneath their feet. My fatherland sustains the breach of eerie, iirie oh....my motherland has caught a tiger hanging by its toe. My homey fronts like Peter Pan, my homeland crosses lines. The picture prada appetite is nesting in the Pines. My country's lost her borders, my land has been asleep, my following has a big reward for never seen nor speak. I can't keep promises because I like being paid. I can't keep still, i can't keep true, i can't keep her ever laid.

Try Some, Try Some, You will see

Tick tock, the clock drops down down down down
pardon yr handshake, mindful of sound
take a crap on yr countertop
oh shit, ah fuck...

Pish posh, yr beeline is livid livid, vivid livid
he she me be, spoken unison
how dare we poke such honest fun
how dare you poke it at me


"i do not like green eggs and ham, i do not like them, sam i am."

Title Coming Soon

This is where I work. Today I write and play. I do little work.
3 more days. 72 hours.

I Probably Hate You...

...or once did. As i think about my friends, wanting to write about my friends, my loving, delightfully delicious friends, i notice such similarities. I think of the ones i talk to almost everyday, or at least think of, am reminded of, or sometimes want to torture and kill with love almost everyday. These precious handful of people, i did not like. I either found them crass, conceited, rude, lame, pathetic, worthless, or worst of all, boring. How terrible, i say to myself. What does this mean? Have I have bad taste in first impressions? Am I terribly hard to please? Does my swift and stringent judgement make me a jerk? Yes. It takes weeks to sometimes years before i eventually get used to somebody's disagreements. Yes.

I suppose that i should be suspicious of people that i like immediately. There are those few. Delightful people. They excite me. It's frightning.

I'm okay with somebody not liking me immediately. In fact, i demand it. Friendship is like a folly of fools crashing a Godsmack concert. If you have everyone rushing to get in, climbing over trashcans, shimmying over shoulders, well, then you'll be left with a pungent amphitheatre that serves only domestic beer. It cost 9 dollars for 8 ounces, and yr pissed. I'd rather grab a 40, and listen to records in my room with someone i used to loathe. That's not to say that someday I might actually enjoy the music of Godsmack. Because after browsing through myself and my friends, i might say that anything is possible.

No Carpe

In the moment, i'm confused. Paralyzed, on automatic. In the moment, i usually think i'm in control. Maybe i am. But it's not until the moment has booked it straight outta here, until the moment is dead. It is at that moment when i know how to treat the others. But i'm in such a state from my new moment that there really isn't anything i can do about anything.

My 200th Flower

All the plants, trees, bugs, and animals spanning across the lifeboard of this world compose a sense of desperate variety. As a child, i'd go somewhere, anywhere. Camping perhaps. I'm a collector. I gather stones, branches, flowers, pretty peices of glass, pine cones, nuts. I was a good kid. If my parents said "shut up and go play". Well, i'd shut up and go play or away or whatever. It was always better when i was in charge of my own entertainment anyway. I always wanted everything, didn't really matter if it had no real function. Funny shaped stick? Function: a little funny. That doesn't really count. Well, at least not when you've already laughed all you can about the stick, and it then fails to even make you smile anymore. Only now, you think of throwing the stick against the tree. Breaking it seems fun. But no, not yet. I like the stick. It performs no function, except one of fondness. "Remember 20 minutes ago, when i really liked that stick"?, i'd ask myself. I don't want to destroy that physical embodiment of a few minutes of pure and simple joy. I do it anyway. Break it, scrape it, hopefully it will break the other object i've heaved it against. Yes! Yes! Yes!

I'm not sad afterward. I just go on and look for more.

All the people, friends, family, fuck-ups, lovers, killers spanning across my tinted eyeglass windshield make a world that creates a sense of desperate variety. Everyone serves their fraction of function and disappears. Some make it on their own while some others do it for them. I wonder if i'm too young to understand or perhaps just young enough to pretend to. All anyone really does is pretend. Good pretend is a good friend.

I'm not a child, but i tend to fasten myself to the ease of fantasy. I'm the maker-believer of constantly. Everything sprouted itself on this earth for a reason. To consume, to compose, to bottle in and then explode, to lose itself to a bigger fight, or to win, to kill, to die, to be and be and be. There's no reason to come here, but yr too scared to leave. There's no reason for you here, but yr too scared to believe.

Que significa "countdown"?

I can tell you. It's the moment when everything feels a little fuzzy, like the screen of a television set on the back of your neck. I'm not really all that excited. It's not like i'm going to the moon. I wish i were going to the moon. At least that way i'd fuck up some atmosphere and shit. I saw a kittle like Carbon. They tried to give him to me. I wanted him so bad, but I said no. I do that alot. It's been called a "tendency". Que significa "tendency"?
I can tell you. It's that no-good memory of yours which files away the memories of moments where once you felt uneasy, and after your reaction to your feelings, you felt easy. The reaction to your action is the stickiest bullshit in there. In that dirty little head of yours. Dirty, Dirty, sticky, Dirty. I'm not going to pretend to be like you even when i am. You don't know, though, do you? I don't have to make complete sentences if i don't want to. I don't have to be linear for you if i don't want to. Yr too "linear". Que significa "linear"?
I can tell you. Remember games like Clue and Battleship? Well if y're good at games like that, then i'd call you linear. What is the name of that game where you put the five coloured pegs in an arranged order---NEVERMIND. MASTERMIND. Fuck ya.
You don't like when i talk like this. If i stop you, and turn you, and make you wait, flip you and bring you right back to the start...well, you don't like that. And that's why i say, babe, y're too linear. First person prose makes you feel uncomfortably childish. Childishness makes you shudder under the incommodious rush of last minute details. I can't stack neatly. I can't color code. I can't prove anything. It's easy to call me stupid. It's easy to call me madwoman. And though perhaps, i'm too easy---well, yr too easy, too. Two toos in one line. Call me classy.

Why LA is Good

1. You can't have a real summer unless it's real hot. Lots of place are hot, and they have such good summers. Swimming is a must for summer. If you have not swam this summer, then you have't done shit.

2. Air pollution + heat = clear skin. I don't know how it works, it just does.

3. If you meet a person lacking any of these 5 qualities: wannabe actor, wannabe rock star, wannabe model, Paris Hilton Wardrobe, unsettlingly tanned,
then you feel lucky. Meeting someone not stupid is the best. LA makes you love these moments.

4. So many airports.

5. Crime sprees.

The Heir Conditioner

I haven't had a comfortable silence in months. Your friend told me it was because people talk faster these days. I could see why he would say that. He's a bit of a stoner, and you are a pinch of shy. I thought it was all due to the feather thing. I'm a blue bird and i liked you. The thing is, though, that we can't all call at the same time. For if we did, our sidewalks would look like the 101 in crisis.
Pardon me, we can't all agree on the traffic incident.