I read the news today, oh boy

Those stars have much to say/meany meany meany
about you/mynee mynee mynee
i couldn't help but listen
to their strokes of divination
i called them liars
but i was only avoiding
the unavoidable. you nor i
can fight the pulleys of prison.

Lunch Break at Trader Joe's

If you happen to stop by Trader Joe's on your lunch break, I would suggest that you buy the stuffed red peppers. They are located in the prepared refrigerated food section, above the salads. Check them out. Tasty. My mouth is stuffed full of it right now, and i'm happy.

Blame the Coffee

"I've got bigger fish to fry."---I have always found that idiom quite amusing. The few times I've used it, I haven't been able to finish the statement without laughing. I find it funny, for some unknown reason. At first, I thought that it was because fish are always humorous, and well, the act of frying is even more halarious. I doubt it would be entertaining if the saying were "i've got bigger fries to fry." I mean, you could only cut a potato so big. And generally, fish are bigger than potatoes. I guess i just like the idea that there are always grander, more important crimes happening around you, which is comforting when you are concentrating on the big injustice done onto you. It's an idiom that is there to remind you that you or your enemies are only small fish. I don't make sense, and i know it.

My New Ipod

Is already broken. What's up with that?

Little Fates

Now that I am clearer on how my near future will be going, I can make adequate plans.
My number one when I found out: buy new Ipod. I decided to go with the 30gb instead of the 60 because I'm not sure I'll even use that much space. And seriously, it's freakin' expensive. My brother claims that you can fit a whole movie in 1 gb. Anyway, first goal. I wanted to buy a ticket to NY for a weekend, but I'm just not sure if that's a good financial type of idea. I need to get my finances in order, that that was the reason for this post, but my mind is too crazy. Maybe i'll spend that time thinking about money at the gym. My brain is always at the height of its activity when i'm on that damn elliptical. I'm excited about my new ipod.

yuck

Last night I dreamt that Fatty was found out. Why? I don't know. But i woke up on my stomach, with my hands crossed and my arms numb. I wasn't hearing my alarm, and i had little balance when i jumped to my feet. Okay, i didn't really jump. I guess I sort of rolled and stood up, at a somewhat swift speed.

Dream for Fatty

For a very long time now, I feel like I had little control over both my weaknesses and desires. Technically, i could classify my desires as a weakness in the whole Buddhist sense of thought, but I see them a little differently. I desire objects and situations that I have never even attempted to truly achieve, and in result it brought upon obsession and heartache. My dream for fatty is to sort through every subdivision of desire, and find the ones with the lowest and biggest branches so that I can find the best way to climb up my tree. I know that there is no objective path to clarity and happiness. And as far as I am concerned there is little congruency between the two. My personal goal

New Name for a New Game

I decided to change my URL for the following reasons:
1) My wish to heighten security upon my feelings. I believe that if I have less of the already small audience that i already had, I might find it easier to be a little more honest. Of course, I always had my drafts, but you see, I'd like to flirt with the edge. I like to keep the possibility open that I might be found out.
2) I am changing the direction of my postings. I have noticed that alot of my angry posts are not really to the invisible "you", but really to myself. I've begun a new path where I am seeking to learn of my potential. I have been very weak in the past, and I am working to change that in every aspect that I can recognize. The main area of this fight is with my image. I am working to change how i view myself and my self worth, and these are my dreams for fatty.
3)I needed some alone time.

Year of the Rabbit

Innocence does not allow u-turns. ---facecious, the fortune cookie

There's this story that my mom likes to tell. It involves our pet rabbit, nameless. Well, i don't remember his name, because im not sure whether i really cared. I wish i could find the old albums with the picture of me locked in his cage, crying. Well, unbeknownst to me, we ate him for dinner one night. I was told the next day. I was told that it didn't phase me. Perhaps, because i didn't understand death or, rather, mental cruelty.
My favorite time to tell this story is right after my mother tells her favorite story of how she taught the lesson of curiosity vs. the cat. She runs through how i went on and on about how i was a rabbit, and how i wished to live in my rabbit's cage. So, to teach the lesson on why one should never wish to be something that they are not, she approaches me, playing in the cage. "So you wanna be a rabbit?" "Yes." "I can make you a rabbit" "Really?" "Ya, here you go, now you're a rabbit." Meanwhile, locking up the cage and running into the house.
And sure enough, i react like a big, scared baby. I cry.
"Mommy, mommy, i don't want to be a rabbit anymore." "I'm not a rabbit, i'm a girl, i'm a GIRL!!!!"
Oh, i know what yr thinking....fuckin' halarious. Ya, i know. And that's why i almost consider having children.

i h**e the clever ones cuz i suspect foul and false play. So funny, So fine,
you'll be old in no time. once they catch u in their teeth, once they behold yr fancy things, you'll be old in no time. i was told that all you need is love, but all they had were drugs and i don't see no love around here.
if i destroyed, then fine.....
i want back all that is mine:
poprocks, angel hair and fool's gold.

I byte

What i do at work.

My Horoscope makes me Sad

This influence signifies a time of severe testing in your relationships with others. The demands of your work or the demands of your personal life will force you to reevaluate which relationships in your life are worth keeping and which are not. If you do not face this challenge consciously, the pressure of events will force you to do so, because people who have been with you for a long time will leave against your wishes.
There is often a strong tendency to build a wall between you and others without even realizing it. The only way you will know is that suddenly you will feel alone and out of touch with everybody. You may feel that you have no support from others, even loved ones whom you have counted on in the past for love and support. This may represent a temporary state of affairs or a passing mood. Or it may represent a serious breakdown in your relationships because of misplaced priorities in the past or because of associating with people who were wrong for you in terms of your personal goals and needs.


In the case of misplaced priorities, perhaps you have paid more attention to getting ahead in life than to giving and receiving love. Or perhaps in the past, fear of your own inadequacies or fear that you are unlovable has made you withdraw from others. Now the consequences of these problems are emerging, causing you to feel alone.

In the second case, the problem is that in terms of your direction in life, the people you associate with are a distraction or are actually opposed to your interests. In this case, no matter how much you love them, walls will form between you and them, and you will have to begin a new life without them.

With this influence several significant relationships will inevitably end. But if you have a clear idea of where you are going, this will not be a great disadvantage. Whatever remorse you feel will be quickly displaced by a new sense of freedom, because you are no longer wasting energy in trying to maintain inappropriate relationships.



The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Saturn Square Ascendant

death of my space

Today i killed myspace. It made me feel very uncomfortable. This "blog" also supplies me with the same feeling. But i cannot kill this. This serves as the cave of my lost memories. I like that you read it, even when you pretend not to.

all on accounts

i'm gonna be free
i'm gonna be free
of at least one of these three things
i'm gonna be free

thirteen spirits of the ocean top
the wetness of the restroom mop
and a heart that can never stop
heartin' away

i'm gonna be free
i'm gonna be free
of at least one of these two things
i'm gonna be free

to be the feast of insatiable beasts
and to linger, longer inbetween
either that or make believe
a dreamer of dreams and deceit

i'm gonna be free
i'm gonna be free
of at least this one little thing
i'm gonna be free

entranced upon the lights of preen
and the mirrors that bring them back to me
of at least this little thing
i'm gonna be free

Tautology 101

The pursuit of happiness seems to be the antithesis to the "meaning of life". Happiness was dreamt of in the early industrial period of modern, firstworld countries to replace the idea of calm and natural simplitude for a complicated model of machinery that confuses the mind.

The invention and distribution of the automobile has given people the mobility to amass together at any given whim. It no longer takes a 20 day wagon trek to reach the ones you want to see. These days, it is a 2 hour flight, or a collect call or instant message. These conveniences steal away from the growth of longing for estranged friends and loved ones. Why send letters with drawings and pictures when there's the FWD:Message, and why even call when there is text? The modern everyday use of these amenities creates a lack of personal drive to connect to anyone. To miss and to long for is no longer the motivation for communication. We now have other things to replace the space for sentimentality, sincerity, and intimacy.

But this is not the only arena to where the clouds have gathered. This is only where I begin. I am a sham, and have a quote to express just that.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." Ironically and admittedly so, I know not the author.


I hate myspace, i hate my blog. I grow ashamed of my impotent flow of curiousity that navigates my mouse around its wearing pad. I don't like this matrix-esque network of bodyless and unconstrained ego. People begin to substitute their myspace feelings with the feelings of my space. I begin to think of intermediaries as acquaintances and my true friends as but top 8 billboard marketing and political statements. And i rarely look anyone in the eye anymore.

I am not going to cease my behavior, though. And neither will you. You are going to continue comparing your real life to their fake profiles, and I am going to continue contrasting my recycled garbage posts with similar, yet not as elequent angry prose. I'll have to spend more time trying to harnessing my strengths in order to break away from the shells that I, you, and everybody else has casted upon us all.
And this ain't even the beginning, i've got a whole buttload of shit to splatter on these interspacial, matterless "pages", but i have work to complete, so that i may get paid, and buy more things that will make me feel more like a real human being.

"I can resist everything except temptation."---and well, this one i know, good ol' wilde.

AMs

"People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of
foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools."

I feel like a fool habitually. I will admit that. And, actually I will admit anything else should i be asked in a responsible manner. I like the appearance of having much to hide without any of the cunning that lifestyle requires. My dreams give it away to me while my eyes to you. I did not intend to leave my post for so long. There, now it is less obvious. I have many plans to dote upon now, farewell.

PG-13

[ We were in the back of a large U-haul-esque truck. We were propped and cushioned on furniture. I don't know who was driving, i'm sure it doesn't matter. My head was on yr shoulder. It was night time. We were finally there, we let ourselves out. We were the only thing that could focus. It was me who leaned in. Of course, right? Right. You kissed for a bit. Then you pushed me down by my shoulders. I lost my balance and fell onto the concrete. The street scraped my hands. I believe you said "no". But i wasn't listening anymore. By then, i only laughed. I was able to control my laugh, and i laughed at you, forever dumb. ]


{em0tion is dead}---its gone to my head. if you were to ever ask...it is this in which i dream of you. i barely even recognize this haunted, hollow holiday anymore.

Butterball

I wouldn't be surprised if you were to tell me that the real reason you left it like that was because of the butterball. Status like that isn't in very high demand, and you're a businessman. I've watched you in action, alive in yr tie, and webby. I'm embarrassed to say so. You'd be embarrassed too if you hadn't that ego.

Decisions

I am having trouble deciding whether to drink my 2nd Pyramid Hefeweizen, or save it for my dad. You see, I really want that beer. It has been in the fridge since Tuesday, and today is Friday. I bought the 12er in attempt to have some nice classy beer around for relaxing after an annoying day's work. Only, I drank 7 of them immediately. No, not alone. I mean, environmentally I was alone. However, i was speaking to friends over the phone, so it's all good, right. Not pathetic, right? When my father came home that night, (the decision has been made, I'm about to get up from my seat and walk to the refrigerator). Done, it is in my mouth.

However, I was saying, that when my father came home, he was excited by the HefeWeizen. I had only introduced him to it about a week ago at Applebees. We go there, sometimes, but only because of its proximity, never for the environment. Before I knew it, he had the Heff in a large stein and a lemon floating in the head. It was cute. So, you see, i am a very selfish person with alcoholic tendencies. I very much wanted to save it for my dad, because it would make him much more happy than i feel as I take the drink during this.....pause. I drink to unfocus important concerns and turn focus to trivial, yet discomforting topics. But I must stray, because my original intent was to make a decision, and I managed to succeed in that one venture.

The Gentle Cycle

Some mistakes I make on purpose, so that I will have something to do and somewhere to go. I've been in the secret room with all those pictures on the wall and fire on the floor. I am too curious to be afraid. I find ways around the fear. I'm too stubborn and tricky to be defeated, especially by someone as awkwardly uncouth as myself. All those secrets stem from a worry that the true self is unfit for where it lies, thereby smothered in the desire to keep it from all the others. Hidden from anyone who cares enough to think? No. Hidden from me? No. I'm as transparent as a mirror image. I was formed of my surroundings. I am a product of the ebb of nurture and the flow of suture. Pardon my opinion, for it is nothing but mere consequence and conjecture. Leave me alone, and i will explain minutes before my last breath, should i be given the chance. I'd relinquish more if i hadn't been told that i was being watched. I was told i was no good at pretend. Little did they know, that i was only pretending to pretend. No, i wasn't. I just wanted to write something that would draw attention away from my last post. Only now, it causes greater attention. There, an example of pretending to pretend. Goodnight my sweet nothing, you are everything, in disguise.