I was sitting in my class, surrounded by children and unhappy housewives when i dozed into a daydream which was less of a fanciful experience and more of a dream where you feel very uncomfortable, rushed and imposed upon. I heard my psych teacher describing social development, blah blah blah, self esteem, blah, gender identity, blah blah, etc. I really wished to leave because these were things i've heard countless times before in other humanities type classes. As she was describing how people become "stuck" in the stages that they were unable to master and work through, I began wondering where I belonged in these types of things. I decided that this question warranted actually looking at my handout.
I looked to see what social-emotional stage a healthy 25 year old should be. Apparently, this is the stage of refining skills at personal relationships and intimacy. According to my worksheet, this developmental process occurs around 19 (beginning of college age) and spanning to around 27 (i guess when people marry). I felt a little troubled, inadequate, and intimidated after quickly reviewing my ability at personal relationships and intimacy. I rapidly assessed my overwhelming fear of people and their cruel intentions, their evil thoughts, and their condescending perceptions of who I am.
i wondered to myself, "why do you assume the worst of people? why would these people think these things about you? why do you care? and last but not least, "is this just your crazy paranoia, you psycho?" No, its not. People have told me that i'm crazy, silly, these things are all in my head. But I know they are not. All I can judge others on is how they treat other people and how they treat me, and how they treat themselves. If they are cruel behind the backs of people on the same par as myself, I can't help but wonder....are they secretly cruel to me?
One example, which truly saddens and disappoints me, is as follows. I have a friend, a good friend, who honestly spoke their feelings about another friend. These feelings were not very nice, not very friendly, not very pleasant at all. They alluded to both character and physical appearance. It alluded to fatness, ugliness, unworthiness, etc. I felt angry and defensive of my friend, but didn't say a word. This shitty, cowardly move of mine was more of side effect of the horrible offense I selfishly took towards myself. I thought to myself, "self, i know i weigh more than this friend of mine, is this what my friend, my good friend, thinks of me as well?" Rather than feel empathy for my offended friend, i felt embarrassment and uncomfort for myself.
I am digressing, for I was trying to find out why my developmental stages are all fucked up. I hate Pyschology. I hate that its "normal" to build trusting, lasting relationships with others. Why can't it be normal to fear others, keep your feelings hidden, smother your love for another until it turns itself into angry hatred? Why can't those things be on my handout?
My dream last night brought up an interesting realization. I dreamt that I was kissing someone and he stopped and said "i've never thought about you like this". I was so mad and i said, "why not!!!" He didn't answer and left. I was so angry. So i walked down the street at night. It was the old neighborhood in LA where I grew up. When i woke up, i saw that my love turns to hate when left unreturned. I hated that dream.
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