My Butterfly Effect

Every decision has consequences and what will be mine? I was told I am notorious for that sort of thing. I want love in the form of distraction. I want anonymity. I didn't want this road, and this wasn't "in flight". This is, my friend, the fight.
I love you. Like I want to marry you, love you. Like when I wake up in the middle of the night to your hand in the air, asleep, quiet, innocent and i kiss you. It is unbearable. Love feels like torture. For this reason,i cannot live here in your world, full time. This is the fight.
It would have been easy to stay. Comfortable, expected and lethargic. You do not love me like I do you. Oh no, it's okay, i understand. In fact, karma owes me a lot more than that, don't you think? Ain't no thing, sugar wing. It was good to hear it out loud. It was very good. You made it real, like it needed to be. It was good to hear all that you said, all that you did. You've never been so real before. I finally made you be mean to me. It is what, secretly, i always wanted, you know. It felt delicious. Isn't that awful? For this, i am thoroughly ashamed.

I will be honest. I love your world. The things you see with your eyes and describe with yr mouth are beautiful and sarcastic and hilarious. Even in its flaws, yr perspective is breathtaking. Though it keeps me forever facinated, this world is not mine. Yr dreams are not my dreams, and to live in yr illusion is no good for me. Because as long as I remain entranced by yr imaginary universe, i will make no dreams of my own. As long as I marvel at love, i ignore the love that I lack. The longer I lay in our slumbers, the less i know what wake is. It is this that is the fight.

Here, on this road, i fight the numbness of mundanity, I fight acute lonliness, i fight platicity, i fight my own dose of self-loathing, i fight traffic. Here, i will make friends, make love, make my cakes and eat them too. Isn't that the way? The murkier the lake, the sweeter the flower? I lost track of my original plan that I had made for myself, the plan I was doing so well with before i moved up there. My head has muted my heart for now, but she will be out again, soon enough.

If you've ever wondered what the difference is between a lover and the loved is, it is that one cries for themself while the other cries for them. I am guilty of both.