My Horoscope makes me Sad

This influence signifies a time of severe testing in your relationships with others. The demands of your work or the demands of your personal life will force you to reevaluate which relationships in your life are worth keeping and which are not. If you do not face this challenge consciously, the pressure of events will force you to do so, because people who have been with you for a long time will leave against your wishes.
There is often a strong tendency to build a wall between you and others without even realizing it. The only way you will know is that suddenly you will feel alone and out of touch with everybody. You may feel that you have no support from others, even loved ones whom you have counted on in the past for love and support. This may represent a temporary state of affairs or a passing mood. Or it may represent a serious breakdown in your relationships because of misplaced priorities in the past or because of associating with people who were wrong for you in terms of your personal goals and needs.


In the case of misplaced priorities, perhaps you have paid more attention to getting ahead in life than to giving and receiving love. Or perhaps in the past, fear of your own inadequacies or fear that you are unlovable has made you withdraw from others. Now the consequences of these problems are emerging, causing you to feel alone.

In the second case, the problem is that in terms of your direction in life, the people you associate with are a distraction or are actually opposed to your interests. In this case, no matter how much you love them, walls will form between you and them, and you will have to begin a new life without them.

With this influence several significant relationships will inevitably end. But if you have a clear idea of where you are going, this will not be a great disadvantage. Whatever remorse you feel will be quickly displaced by a new sense of freedom, because you are no longer wasting energy in trying to maintain inappropriate relationships.



The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Saturn Square Ascendant

death of my space

Today i killed myspace. It made me feel very uncomfortable. This "blog" also supplies me with the same feeling. But i cannot kill this. This serves as the cave of my lost memories. I like that you read it, even when you pretend not to.

all on accounts

i'm gonna be free
i'm gonna be free
of at least one of these three things
i'm gonna be free

thirteen spirits of the ocean top
the wetness of the restroom mop
and a heart that can never stop
heartin' away

i'm gonna be free
i'm gonna be free
of at least one of these two things
i'm gonna be free

to be the feast of insatiable beasts
and to linger, longer inbetween
either that or make believe
a dreamer of dreams and deceit

i'm gonna be free
i'm gonna be free
of at least this one little thing
i'm gonna be free

entranced upon the lights of preen
and the mirrors that bring them back to me
of at least this little thing
i'm gonna be free

Tautology 101

The pursuit of happiness seems to be the antithesis to the "meaning of life". Happiness was dreamt of in the early industrial period of modern, firstworld countries to replace the idea of calm and natural simplitude for a complicated model of machinery that confuses the mind.

The invention and distribution of the automobile has given people the mobility to amass together at any given whim. It no longer takes a 20 day wagon trek to reach the ones you want to see. These days, it is a 2 hour flight, or a collect call or instant message. These conveniences steal away from the growth of longing for estranged friends and loved ones. Why send letters with drawings and pictures when there's the FWD:Message, and why even call when there is text? The modern everyday use of these amenities creates a lack of personal drive to connect to anyone. To miss and to long for is no longer the motivation for communication. We now have other things to replace the space for sentimentality, sincerity, and intimacy.

But this is not the only arena to where the clouds have gathered. This is only where I begin. I am a sham, and have a quote to express just that.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." Ironically and admittedly so, I know not the author.


I hate myspace, i hate my blog. I grow ashamed of my impotent flow of curiousity that navigates my mouse around its wearing pad. I don't like this matrix-esque network of bodyless and unconstrained ego. People begin to substitute their myspace feelings with the feelings of my space. I begin to think of intermediaries as acquaintances and my true friends as but top 8 billboard marketing and political statements. And i rarely look anyone in the eye anymore.

I am not going to cease my behavior, though. And neither will you. You are going to continue comparing your real life to their fake profiles, and I am going to continue contrasting my recycled garbage posts with similar, yet not as elequent angry prose. I'll have to spend more time trying to harnessing my strengths in order to break away from the shells that I, you, and everybody else has casted upon us all.
And this ain't even the beginning, i've got a whole buttload of shit to splatter on these interspacial, matterless "pages", but i have work to complete, so that i may get paid, and buy more things that will make me feel more like a real human being.

"I can resist everything except temptation."---and well, this one i know, good ol' wilde.

AMs

"People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of
foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools."

I feel like a fool habitually. I will admit that. And, actually I will admit anything else should i be asked in a responsible manner. I like the appearance of having much to hide without any of the cunning that lifestyle requires. My dreams give it away to me while my eyes to you. I did not intend to leave my post for so long. There, now it is less obvious. I have many plans to dote upon now, farewell.

PG-13

[ We were in the back of a large U-haul-esque truck. We were propped and cushioned on furniture. I don't know who was driving, i'm sure it doesn't matter. My head was on yr shoulder. It was night time. We were finally there, we let ourselves out. We were the only thing that could focus. It was me who leaned in. Of course, right? Right. You kissed for a bit. Then you pushed me down by my shoulders. I lost my balance and fell onto the concrete. The street scraped my hands. I believe you said "no". But i wasn't listening anymore. By then, i only laughed. I was able to control my laugh, and i laughed at you, forever dumb. ]


{em0tion is dead}---its gone to my head. if you were to ever ask...it is this in which i dream of you. i barely even recognize this haunted, hollow holiday anymore.

Butterball

I wouldn't be surprised if you were to tell me that the real reason you left it like that was because of the butterball. Status like that isn't in very high demand, and you're a businessman. I've watched you in action, alive in yr tie, and webby. I'm embarrassed to say so. You'd be embarrassed too if you hadn't that ego.

Decisions

I am having trouble deciding whether to drink my 2nd Pyramid Hefeweizen, or save it for my dad. You see, I really want that beer. It has been in the fridge since Tuesday, and today is Friday. I bought the 12er in attempt to have some nice classy beer around for relaxing after an annoying day's work. Only, I drank 7 of them immediately. No, not alone. I mean, environmentally I was alone. However, i was speaking to friends over the phone, so it's all good, right. Not pathetic, right? When my father came home that night, (the decision has been made, I'm about to get up from my seat and walk to the refrigerator). Done, it is in my mouth.

However, I was saying, that when my father came home, he was excited by the HefeWeizen. I had only introduced him to it about a week ago at Applebees. We go there, sometimes, but only because of its proximity, never for the environment. Before I knew it, he had the Heff in a large stein and a lemon floating in the head. It was cute. So, you see, i am a very selfish person with alcoholic tendencies. I very much wanted to save it for my dad, because it would make him much more happy than i feel as I take the drink during this.....pause. I drink to unfocus important concerns and turn focus to trivial, yet discomforting topics. But I must stray, because my original intent was to make a decision, and I managed to succeed in that one venture.

The Gentle Cycle

Some mistakes I make on purpose, so that I will have something to do and somewhere to go. I've been in the secret room with all those pictures on the wall and fire on the floor. I am too curious to be afraid. I find ways around the fear. I'm too stubborn and tricky to be defeated, especially by someone as awkwardly uncouth as myself. All those secrets stem from a worry that the true self is unfit for where it lies, thereby smothered in the desire to keep it from all the others. Hidden from anyone who cares enough to think? No. Hidden from me? No. I'm as transparent as a mirror image. I was formed of my surroundings. I am a product of the ebb of nurture and the flow of suture. Pardon my opinion, for it is nothing but mere consequence and conjecture. Leave me alone, and i will explain minutes before my last breath, should i be given the chance. I'd relinquish more if i hadn't been told that i was being watched. I was told i was no good at pretend. Little did they know, that i was only pretending to pretend. No, i wasn't. I just wanted to write something that would draw attention away from my last post. Only now, it causes greater attention. There, an example of pretending to pretend. Goodnight my sweet nothing, you are everything, in disguise.

Draft

Makes me feel so dirty, so petty, so shamefully honest. I can just imagine yr reaction if you were to read the things i write you in draft. It would take yr breath away. Yes, love, in the Berlin way. Yr reaction would be nothing but stutter. You'd hate me for making you hate me, the only defense that you could possibly muster. You would have no choice. You would make yr masturbation face.
No, not the cute one! No, dear, but the perverted, twisted look that terrorizes yr fuzzy shower mirror.

Can you imagine just what i would have done to you, had i not this hideous case of subterraneous self-confidence? How unlucky for you, to have to bask in the repercussion of an unfortunately lonely, shameful childhood. I'm not complaining, for i'm just fine! I have plenty to read.

Traffic vs. Tofu

You can think through traffic.
Tofu demands attention.
Traffic has a shelf life.
Tofu has a shelf life.
Tofu is white.
Traffic is colorful.
Music and tofu mix.
Music and traffic mix.
Traffic has no flavor.
Tofu has no flavor.
Tofu is never consistant. Soft, medium, firm.
Traffic is always consistant. Stop, go, stop, go.
Tofu steals all the action.
Traffic has no action.
Tofu and black beans.
Traffic and exhaust streams.
Traffic is loud.
Tofu is mild.
Tofu is the way of L.A.
Traffic is the way of L.A.
30 minutes of traffic makes me hungry.
30 minutes of tofu keeps me full.

CK-1

We haven't been friends for many years, however, i bet she really enjoyed "The Virgin Suicides". Sisters, isolation and sex in the back seat. I'm almost sure that she didn't voice her feelings of congruency. She's too macho-feminine for that type of trash.

Joint property

"there's no time, there's never enough time."--Jessie Spano

My Little Secret

Has grown teeth and gangrene. Life too afraid to even dare touch veins. it waits in the bottom of the puddle in an alley, slimming on its own slipe. throwing tantrums, cage in swing, buttering up the milk like a broody little thing. Dropping aces, jacks and queens. Let us bet on better things!

Girlhood

I'm a little teapot. Short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout. When I

get all steamed up, then I shout. Just tip me over, and pour me out.

Condemned to Freedom from, Freedom to

Relating to others is possible, but only within the limits of shared experiences. Woman is totally free and responsible for her acts. This responsibility is the source of the dread and anguish that encompasses womankind. Abandonment is the consequence of individualism. Alienation is a state of divided selfhood in which one is distanced from one's true being and confronts the self as an alien being. And nobody is authentic. You can not be authentic for more than an instant, frozen in time. Because of social pressure, individualism is rejected by you in favor of conformity. Thus, you rely on mainly upon the actions of others and neglect the meaning of yr own personal life. You see yr life as meaningles and feel the inner void.

"To continue in a blind state causes the increases in distractions such as alcoholism, delinquency and suicide. Freedom, however, is only in the choice of one possibility---that is, in tolerating one's not having chosen the others and one's not being able to choose them." --Heidegger

An almost Goodnight

I figured that if I'm not going to be drinking anymore, that i'm gonna look elsewhere for my courage. So I decided to go through my blog and post my drafts. I suppose i'm still not that brave if I won't expose my secret fantasy blog. Whatever, i guess there's no reason to care since most of the audience i address doesn't even read this. Perhaps the point is that it is there if they cared. So ya, goodnight, almost.

My Butterfly Effect

Every decision has consequences and what will be mine? I was told I am notorious for that sort of thing. I want love in the form of distraction. I want anonymity. I didn't want this road, and this wasn't "in flight". This is, my friend, the fight.
I love you. Like I want to marry you, love you. Like when I wake up in the middle of the night to your hand in the air, asleep, quiet, innocent and i kiss you. It is unbearable. Love feels like torture. For this reason,i cannot live here in your world, full time. This is the fight.
It would have been easy to stay. Comfortable, expected and lethargic. You do not love me like I do you. Oh no, it's okay, i understand. In fact, karma owes me a lot more than that, don't you think? Ain't no thing, sugar wing. It was good to hear it out loud. It was very good. You made it real, like it needed to be. It was good to hear all that you said, all that you did. You've never been so real before. I finally made you be mean to me. It is what, secretly, i always wanted, you know. It felt delicious. Isn't that awful? For this, i am thoroughly ashamed.

I will be honest. I love your world. The things you see with your eyes and describe with yr mouth are beautiful and sarcastic and hilarious. Even in its flaws, yr perspective is breathtaking. Though it keeps me forever facinated, this world is not mine. Yr dreams are not my dreams, and to live in yr illusion is no good for me. Because as long as I remain entranced by yr imaginary universe, i will make no dreams of my own. As long as I marvel at love, i ignore the love that I lack. The longer I lay in our slumbers, the less i know what wake is. It is this that is the fight.

Here, on this road, i fight the numbness of mundanity, I fight acute lonliness, i fight platicity, i fight my own dose of self-loathing, i fight traffic. Here, i will make friends, make love, make my cakes and eat them too. Isn't that the way? The murkier the lake, the sweeter the flower? I lost track of my original plan that I had made for myself, the plan I was doing so well with before i moved up there. My head has muted my heart for now, but she will be out again, soon enough.

If you've ever wondered what the difference is between a lover and the loved is, it is that one cries for themself while the other cries for them. I am guilty of both.

Plans for TOnight

I am going to put on my coat and slippers, grab my keys and walk myself down to Walgreens. I will purchase a pack of Parliaments for 4 dollars and sixty seven cents. Then I will walk outside, light my smoke and think of how i want to tell this story that's been stuck in my head since December 29th, 2005.

Twenty-Six

I will probably remain the most immature kid on my block. There are a few semi-explanations though they are tired and unrelenting. First, i am intimidated yet moreso despising of comfortability. If i want action, i can't depend on others to give it to me. Though, on the other hand, just an excuse. It's just that the other actions aren't as simple to work through, it's just that if you want something done right, then you have to do it yourself. The funny thing about that though, is that if something may go wrong or awry then there's no one else to blame.
Creating a scene, and not in a funny Elaine-type way either, makes the reason that twenty six must remain twenty six. To grow older, yes, however to grow younger, never. Immature has gotten me to where I am right now, and so you just gotta learn to live with it if you wanted something else to matter just so as much.