The Itsy Bitsy Spider

The truth is that I am paranoid. Paranoid even as I lay quiet, in an empty house, surrounded only by trees, trash and snow, under my covers, under my sheets even, fully clothed, ya, with shoes too and a jacket, my brother's big, beige snow jacket, no music playing that I may hear any creak or low frequency buzz that might seap through the sound-proof insulation. Sometimes I dare not even think on those mots terribles for fear that even I will hear them. I am constantly embarrassing myself with the subject. How you can know something, something so obvious, yet deceitful. So wrong, wrong, wrong. I've said it before, "you, small voice in the evening hall, you are wrong."
I admit I feel ridiculous. Absolutely retarded. I wish I was retarded. Many times, i shutter as i consider the possiblity that I am, only nobody ever tells a retard that they're a retard. Except for children. I've been called a retard by children. Maybe i am retarded. But then, how could a retard spell? I can spell, i can spell very well. Surely retards can't spell. And I rhyme. I suspect that retards like rhymes. It probably sounds nice to our ears. Like how kids like the Itsy Bitsy Spider. I like the Itsy Bitsy Spider. I think that song encaptulates me and my life. Not to say that I persevere. For christ's sake, i don't even think i can spell persevere. Unless, of course, that's how you spell it. In which case, I can. I know the spider is stupid, it probably doesn't even have a brain. How big could a spider's brain be, anyway? It sees a spout, it mounts the spout, it reaches its climax with the spout, it falls from the spout, it just almost drowns from the spout....Oh Shut the fuck up, everyone knows how it ends. Back up the spout. Stupid Stupid spider!! Why don't you climb a tree? or rotting rabbit wrapped in leaves? or a girl? or a boy? Fuck that stupid, stupid spider.
It takes someone else, you know? Think it in yr head. A hundred times a night should you be able to stay awake that long. Think it all you want, but you'll never know it. It takes someone else, or maybe two someone elses to tell you something, so horrifically obvious, always on the tip of your cerebral tongue, always on smoothing rocks on yr lazy beach embankment. To be honest, it does no good. I'm still not convinced. The only explanations left are retardation or faith. And i lost Faith a long time ago.

I began this, intending on convincing either one of myselves that i need to get over being so afraid. There are so many things that i want to say, so many angry things that i want to say. So many things that i'm just not allowed to say, and i honestly can't distinguish who is holding me back. I really can't. So the only thing left to blame is Paranoia.