If.....

If I were to believe that I would be understood, then i'd send this. But I will not be understood, so i hold my horses indefinitely.....
I'd write:

I was severely mistaken. I honestly believed you knew me, or that you had the capacity to understand the words I sent to you. I'm greatly disappointed. A light has been casted over my eyes that will change my perspectives incredibly. That is exactly the pindrop of which I needed to hear in order to pop the bubble i kept you in.
You have it wrong, friend. I said everything I meant to say in my last letter, nothing more and nothing less than how i feel.

My feeling of unappreciation does not come from the absence of physical intimacy. In fact, I do not and never have wanted to have sex with you. To you, it may have appeared so by the fact that I referred to others with that relationship in my previous email. And that I have made drunken advances that, believe me, i had thoroughly regretted both because of my embarrassment for my behaviour, and also that i acted in a way that I would never do sober, despite any circumstance. Believe it or not, I have never desired you in this way despite loving you and loving every other intimacy we share. I could say more to convince you, but i'd rather not.


And i know that myspace thing was unintentional. And that i over-reacted....and that valerie really is yr best friend. honestly, i know that....she has been an unwavering presence always on yr side, during those stupid high school dramas...while i, on the other hand, listened to the stupid rumors, and while not knowing you, judged you like every other idiot. i know those things are so important to you. And beside that, you idolize her personal and sexual freedom almost in the way that you did J...only, that valerie would never...ever...fuck you over. Then on top of that...she's the bomb and funny. You see, i know this....i can't be jealous of this, it's so pure....and honestly i'm not jealous.



All i was trying to say is that i cannot tolerate being thought of as less than i am.
I felt stupid and powerless, when i momentarily thought that while I swore almost absolute allegiance to you and to protecting yr feelings, (ex. keeping with yr requests to monitor my conversations with janine/promising to myself to be as bitchy as possible to J. if and when i see her/and other stuff that i don't want to keep listing) that you think nothing or so little of mine in return. i know, i know....it wasn't intentional....but still, you didn't think of me at all.

And, rather than be placated, catered to, felt sorry for, or lied to, i'd rather just feel okay to do what i want without worrying so much about how it would affect you. I'll never intentionally hurt you, or backstab you or anything like that, nothing like that, i promise...but i will just try to go back to doing whatever i want without any regards to how you might feel about it. Like our relationship back in the day.....civil and uncomplicated.