My New Way

It does not feel nice to follow through with passion-aggression. It makes me feel as jittery as coffee. If somebody gets me angry, I usually try to respond in a semi-calm fashion. If the action seems petty, I become annoyed with myself for reacting with anger toward something deemed unimportant. In these cases, I am less likely to express any anger or annoyance. However, that does not mean the the feelings disintegrate. No, only time heals my evil eye. Instead, I will either consciously or subconsciously reflect some reciprocal manner of revenge.
Now, that may sound harsher than I intend. Revenge is such a strong word in this day and age. All I mean, is if somebody excludes me, undermines me, betrays me, etc, then I will keep it in my memory, and not hesitate to do onto others when the opportunity presents itself. It is of this practice, in which I am ashamed. It does not feel satisfying to proceed with passion-aggression.
I want to try a new way. I want to get over my embarrassment of these "child" feelings I experience every so often. By "child" feelings, I am refering to those sulky impulses I feel when I feel blown off, under-appreciated, or inferior. I also refer to the ragey feelings when somebody questions my intelligence, or humiliates my self pride. In these instances, it can be difficult to locate exactly what element of the situation made you feel a certain way. I say this because of my strong conviction that nobody or nothing can "make" you feeling anything. It is my belief that our feelings come from our reaction to the nobody or nothing.
The main reason I believe this is attributed to the existence of an infinite amount of reactions. If somebody makes an insulting comment, it totally depends on your previous experiences as to how you would react. If many people have made that same insulting comment since childhood, you may react like how you did as a child, with childish vulnerability and in-comprehension. If this is the first time anyone has ever made the comment, and it is a stranger, you may have little to no emotional reaction, instead it may remain as purely an intellectual reaction. Duh! Right?
Right.
So, based on my belief that nobody can truly make me feel anything, how can I blame others and seek my revenge upon them when it is something inside of me that creates these feelings. In theory, I cannot even truly reach anybody through these acts of revenge, unless their response system is wired in my intended benefit. What I mean, is that how I can make another feel like how I feel by reciprocating similar actions? The answer is, that I cannot, because it is not I who holds control of their reaction to me, it is something inside of them. Although, on one hand, many people do not hold control of their own reactions, and instead give permission and control to others. Very dangerous. At least, in my opinion.
My solution will be to identify: 1)what reactionary feelings I may be feeling, 2)what actions in others or in myself caused this feeling 3)why this action is connected to this feeling. After I finish with identification, I will respond. I will tell the person or myself how a specific action caused a certain feeling. I feel not feel childish in being reminded that it may be similar as to how i felt as a child. I will remember that feelings cannot be helped, and are harmful if kept inside.
WoaH, when I wrote this I felt wrong. I felt that many times feelings shows vulnerability, and this weakness can be manipulated.
When i tell the person how an action made me feel, I will tell them that I am not okay with it. I will tell them that I don't like to have my feelings hurt. And in the future, I will avoid a similar situation where they will have the opportunity to influence my reactions, even if this means avoiding them. My lesson that I must learn is that if somebody makes me feel more bad than good, then they are not good for me. I'm tired of pretending. I just want to be straight-forward, and get on with things.