1) You enter a non-familiar place. This site seems a little crowded, like a discount market maybe. Say, a 99 cent store on Saturday afternoon. You shop alone, there are specific things for which you came, though a few frivolous things find their way into your basket. They are not entirely frivolous, though. You are going to use it, an air freshener maybe. Your inner voice is on overdrive today. Mostly because yr alone, you are filled with opinion, and there are alot of things worthy of critique. Someone elbows you as they try and get by yr basket, you have the television-esque vision of giving them a swift kick behind their knees, and they fall as if they were ready to pray but then decided to go all the way. The vision ends like a commercial. There are some captions, somewhat witty, but mostly stupid and overdone. It's over, so you continue to browse. Someone briefly makes eye contact and has an unusual reaction. It reminds you of when y'r trying to explain a very muddled feeling that requires at least 4 comparisons until you can get the exact point across. It reminds you of looks you get when something like that happens. But you didn't speak to this eye-connecting stranger. So how could they give you a look like this? What did this look mean? They must have a psychic eye. Or are they just judging how i look? Does my physical appearance offend or frighten this critical stranger? "That's enough of this subject!", you shout to yrself in yr head.
Yr mind knows this is the cue to change subjects. "Oh, look how yr basket has filled. This need for trivialities sickens me. You don't NEED a pencil box with a Strawberry Shortcake eraser. Really, you don't. You hate pencils, remember? Remember, you declared mental war on the things? I want to go home. I want to lie in my bed. I feel scared and i want to cry. Mostly because you won't let me have the pencil box."
Again comes the cue. "I wish I was comatose. As long as someone read me stories occasionally, my unconscious would be highly appreciative." Checkout lines make me feel very itchy.
2) You recognize, (or well, in yr opinion, at least) the subtleties of people. When someone makes that nanosecond stutter before they are covering up a shaky reaction. When someone makes it indefinitely clear that you are not respectable in their eyes by declaring the opposite somewhat forcibly. When someone exposes their desires for something very self-opposing. When someone's masking their fears as good faith. When someone drops everything out of their hands due to something they remembered they have done. When someone accepts only good, and rejects all bad, then calls themself balanced, but feels much differently. When someone you thought held regard, holds nothing but a nonreflective mirror. When someone has no idea that they have no idea.
3) An unidenifiable sadness sets in with every change of season. Even winter to spring, the happiest time of the year. I become angry with life a-budding. I grow jealous of the cherry blossoms, i grow vicious toward the songbirds, i want naughty things of the new love all around me. Then 10 minutes later, i stop to smell a yellow rose and the fragrance forces my mouth to open and my lips to curl. It appears to be a smile, but as if my brain were a cartoon with dentist gloves and shiny utensils reaching and pulling down to my jaw. It's the sadness that really makes you laugh.
4. You can't define the way you were wrong and the way you were right. There's a reason you fantasize of war. Yes, my child, there are reasons for it all.
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