If.....

If I were to believe that I would be understood, then i'd send this. But I will not be understood, so i hold my horses indefinitely.....
I'd write:

I was severely mistaken. I honestly believed you knew me, or that you had the capacity to understand the words I sent to you. I'm greatly disappointed. A light has been casted over my eyes that will change my perspectives incredibly. That is exactly the pindrop of which I needed to hear in order to pop the bubble i kept you in.
You have it wrong, friend. I said everything I meant to say in my last letter, nothing more and nothing less than how i feel.

My feeling of unappreciation does not come from the absence of physical intimacy. In fact, I do not and never have wanted to have sex with you. To you, it may have appeared so by the fact that I referred to others with that relationship in my previous email. And that I have made drunken advances that, believe me, i had thoroughly regretted both because of my embarrassment for my behaviour, and also that i acted in a way that I would never do sober, despite any circumstance. Believe it or not, I have never desired you in this way despite loving you and loving every other intimacy we share. I could say more to convince you, but i'd rather not.


And i know that myspace thing was unintentional. And that i over-reacted....and that valerie really is yr best friend. honestly, i know that....she has been an unwavering presence always on yr side, during those stupid high school dramas...while i, on the other hand, listened to the stupid rumors, and while not knowing you, judged you like every other idiot. i know those things are so important to you. And beside that, you idolize her personal and sexual freedom almost in the way that you did J...only, that valerie would never...ever...fuck you over. Then on top of that...she's the bomb and funny. You see, i know this....i can't be jealous of this, it's so pure....and honestly i'm not jealous.



All i was trying to say is that i cannot tolerate being thought of as less than i am.
I felt stupid and powerless, when i momentarily thought that while I swore almost absolute allegiance to you and to protecting yr feelings, (ex. keeping with yr requests to monitor my conversations with janine/promising to myself to be as bitchy as possible to J. if and when i see her/and other stuff that i don't want to keep listing) that you think nothing or so little of mine in return. i know, i know....it wasn't intentional....but still, you didn't think of me at all.

And, rather than be placated, catered to, felt sorry for, or lied to, i'd rather just feel okay to do what i want without worrying so much about how it would affect you. I'll never intentionally hurt you, or backstab you or anything like that, nothing like that, i promise...but i will just try to go back to doing whatever i want without any regards to how you might feel about it. Like our relationship back in the day.....civil and uncomplicated.

What happened to everything?

I exposed my recent feelings of hurt in a letter. I thought it said one thing, and yet it was perceived much differently. That is the way of interpersonal relationships. Us humans are merely islands with only ourselves to understand us.

Subconscious or What?

So when was the 19th? A week ago? Yes, last Wednesday. I sat here, in my desk and practically predicted something terrible. Someone told me about a white gummy bear smoothie. What the hell is that? What is up with this world?

My New Way

It does not feel nice to follow through with passion-aggression. It makes me feel as jittery as coffee. If somebody gets me angry, I usually try to respond in a semi-calm fashion. If the action seems petty, I become annoyed with myself for reacting with anger toward something deemed unimportant. In these cases, I am less likely to express any anger or annoyance. However, that does not mean the the feelings disintegrate. No, only time heals my evil eye. Instead, I will either consciously or subconsciously reflect some reciprocal manner of revenge.
Now, that may sound harsher than I intend. Revenge is such a strong word in this day and age. All I mean, is if somebody excludes me, undermines me, betrays me, etc, then I will keep it in my memory, and not hesitate to do onto others when the opportunity presents itself. It is of this practice, in which I am ashamed. It does not feel satisfying to proceed with passion-aggression.
I want to try a new way. I want to get over my embarrassment of these "child" feelings I experience every so often. By "child" feelings, I am refering to those sulky impulses I feel when I feel blown off, under-appreciated, or inferior. I also refer to the ragey feelings when somebody questions my intelligence, or humiliates my self pride. In these instances, it can be difficult to locate exactly what element of the situation made you feel a certain way. I say this because of my strong conviction that nobody or nothing can "make" you feeling anything. It is my belief that our feelings come from our reaction to the nobody or nothing.
The main reason I believe this is attributed to the existence of an infinite amount of reactions. If somebody makes an insulting comment, it totally depends on your previous experiences as to how you would react. If many people have made that same insulting comment since childhood, you may react like how you did as a child, with childish vulnerability and in-comprehension. If this is the first time anyone has ever made the comment, and it is a stranger, you may have little to no emotional reaction, instead it may remain as purely an intellectual reaction. Duh! Right?
Right.
So, based on my belief that nobody can truly make me feel anything, how can I blame others and seek my revenge upon them when it is something inside of me that creates these feelings. In theory, I cannot even truly reach anybody through these acts of revenge, unless their response system is wired in my intended benefit. What I mean, is that how I can make another feel like how I feel by reciprocating similar actions? The answer is, that I cannot, because it is not I who holds control of their reaction to me, it is something inside of them. Although, on one hand, many people do not hold control of their own reactions, and instead give permission and control to others. Very dangerous. At least, in my opinion.
My solution will be to identify: 1)what reactionary feelings I may be feeling, 2)what actions in others or in myself caused this feeling 3)why this action is connected to this feeling. After I finish with identification, I will respond. I will tell the person or myself how a specific action caused a certain feeling. I feel not feel childish in being reminded that it may be similar as to how i felt as a child. I will remember that feelings cannot be helped, and are harmful if kept inside.
WoaH, when I wrote this I felt wrong. I felt that many times feelings shows vulnerability, and this weakness can be manipulated.
When i tell the person how an action made me feel, I will tell them that I am not okay with it. I will tell them that I don't like to have my feelings hurt. And in the future, I will avoid a similar situation where they will have the opportunity to influence my reactions, even if this means avoiding them. My lesson that I must learn is that if somebody makes me feel more bad than good, then they are not good for me. I'm tired of pretending. I just want to be straight-forward, and get on with things.

i like that kind

There are people in this place who are up for anything. If they see a party on the roof of a 20 story building, they will find their way up there and let nobody stop them. They wear disguises, share shinanigans, and shake the chicken cages.

i see yr hate slipping through

it flies down your eyes to your soup
i can see your hate slipping through
you want me to hurt, i can hear it in the way
you stake your claim
and throw the blame.

I can't breathe. It is too strong.
I'm not relieved with the way you've made believed.
Was that confetti? or betrayal.
i almost can't stand.
I said almost.
you just don't get it,
and won't.

The Sharpest Knife

the sharpest knife cuts both ways,
through threads, heads and beds
and burns my ears with liquor store meds.

bad moon rising

I'm afraid that what i've been feeling is what i swore could never happen. You know, that's why they warn about swearing. I didn't really think that this is what it was in reference to, but i think it may just be. We are not the same, and the coiling coincidences are only shadows and mirrors that summon and reflect the very true opposite natures. No give, no receive. No here, no there. No, it is everywhere, the ashes fly everywhere because i believe in the wind, and its big fat mouth.

Oh, no, fool's moon

"is los angeles really like a graveyard,
they all ask me
and i say well it was last week
but man that was in the past
see, i stopped going to the places
where the people act so nasty
and pretentious cuz i'm happy
sitting with my friend on the sidewalk singing songs


and some people are still standing
in the way of where i'm going
so i say please excuse me
step aside or keep on moving
and i guess they sense that my momentum
meant that i was winning
but i'm only just beginning
and i'd rather go with friends than go alone.

and some people grab my hands
and some people grab my shirt
some people race ahead
to see if they can get there first
some people stay behind because
they've got something else in mind
whatever you decide, if yr true
y're going to be alright."---that one girl with edits

To Do

My thoughts are set in modern age stone.

I read the news today, oh boy

Those stars have much to say/meany meany meany
about you/mynee mynee mynee
i couldn't help but listen
to their strokes of divination
i called them liars
but i was only avoiding
the unavoidable. you nor i
can fight the pulleys of prison.

Lunch Break at Trader Joe's

If you happen to stop by Trader Joe's on your lunch break, I would suggest that you buy the stuffed red peppers. They are located in the prepared refrigerated food section, above the salads. Check them out. Tasty. My mouth is stuffed full of it right now, and i'm happy.

Blame the Coffee

"I've got bigger fish to fry."---I have always found that idiom quite amusing. The few times I've used it, I haven't been able to finish the statement without laughing. I find it funny, for some unknown reason. At first, I thought that it was because fish are always humorous, and well, the act of frying is even more halarious. I doubt it would be entertaining if the saying were "i've got bigger fries to fry." I mean, you could only cut a potato so big. And generally, fish are bigger than potatoes. I guess i just like the idea that there are always grander, more important crimes happening around you, which is comforting when you are concentrating on the big injustice done onto you. It's an idiom that is there to remind you that you or your enemies are only small fish. I don't make sense, and i know it.

My New Ipod

Is already broken. What's up with that?

Little Fates

Now that I am clearer on how my near future will be going, I can make adequate plans.
My number one when I found out: buy new Ipod. I decided to go with the 30gb instead of the 60 because I'm not sure I'll even use that much space. And seriously, it's freakin' expensive. My brother claims that you can fit a whole movie in 1 gb. Anyway, first goal. I wanted to buy a ticket to NY for a weekend, but I'm just not sure if that's a good financial type of idea. I need to get my finances in order, that that was the reason for this post, but my mind is too crazy. Maybe i'll spend that time thinking about money at the gym. My brain is always at the height of its activity when i'm on that damn elliptical. I'm excited about my new ipod.