CANCEROUS

I was supposed to be born on the 4th of July, but i was lazy and tired, and 1979 didn't really seem all that great, so instead I went French and came on July 14th. This makes me Cancerous. Moody, protective, changeable, emotional. See, these qualities all seem really annoying. I guess protective is okay. No, but usually i am very weary when it comes to Cancers, much like I am weary towards myself.

The Lion---I don't want to ignore a Cancer's self-rightousness because shellfish can many times think they are better than you, and smarter too. Only Leos are known for their self-absorption, egotism and slight mania. I don't usually like Leos, but that's only because of my own egotism and that thing where you hate other people because they are alot like you. I like to fight with Leos, always a good challenge.

Virgo--I'm usually jealous of Virgos. They always seem to get things right. I hate that. Oh and they are kind of boring. What's fun about a virgin? Well, a virgin that will always stay a virgin.

Libra- Now here is where you go for a good time. I really like Libras, except for their horrible conceitedness and self indulence. Again, it reminds me of somebody i know.

Scorpio--One of my favorite signs, and i'm proud to have it as a "Rising". Honestly, i'm scared of them and i love what i fear. Forceful, bossy, secretive, jealous, compulsive, sexual. They are usually freaks, creepy ass freaks.

Sagittarius--I'm a sucker for these weirdos. They're fun, and always interesting to hang out with. They are those people who you hate because they seem to have their social life all figured out. Only, when they fuck up, they really fuck shit up.

Capricorn--I don't have anything against these people. As my opposite sign, I never really understand their blind honesty and forefrontness. They seem like they always have life under control, only they sometimes got it all wrong but are too honest to ever notice it.

Aquarius--I never know what to say about Aquarius. I know what books say, but i think they leave alot out, maybe out of fear of Aquarius'. Yes, they are inventive, loyal, original people, and there's not many like them (except for the theoretical 8.33 percent of the population). Only they can be scary, very very scary.
And not good scary like I mentioned earlier.

Pisces--I've always like Pisces. Sure they are almost as self-absorbed as Leos and Aries, but in more of an endearing way. They are usually softer spoken than most and
gentleness is sometimes not all that annoying.

Aries--I used to hate Aries. Books describe energetic, selfish, impulsive, quick-tempered, confident, courageous. Who wants that? Well, not me. Only i found that these things don't suck as much as it may seem. Energy can be fun, childlike and playful. Selfish, well at least you know what's a motivating factor. Impulsive is refreshing these days. They're smart and eternally young. See Hitler.

Taurus--Taurus freak me out. Something is weird and hard with these people. Well at least they're fashionable!

Gemini--These people are smart, rash, and cruel. There is something unexplainably magnetic about their asshole-ness. Sometimes the harshest, most heartnessness is funny and great.

I may like yr sign and hate you and vice versa, i'm almost sure its bullshit. But 10 years hasn't completely convinced me, yet.

Dear Psychonut

What the hell are you writing about? Because you see, i know you real good and i don't get any of it. None of this really makes sense, and well, it makes you look a little, um...weird, i guess i should say. These poems and words and drunken confessions are so meaningless it makes me want to crush you into a skinny sheet of blank recycled paper. See, cuz that's what you are...totally recycled. Nothing is ever real with you, and how can it ever be when you keep it locked as if a clam shell, a turtle on a half shell. Well, see, now y'r being silly, now y'r being cute. But yr not cute, and everyone knows it. I just wanted you to know that it embarrasses me. I go to work, i get bored, i read your thing, and i have vague recollections of you stumbling around the room, trying to get yrself steady so you can write a little. But honestly, I don't know what yr talking about, and like i said, i thought i knew you. There is no one, you speak to no one, except yr sad lonely self. Sometimes it sickens me to know you, really. And for the sake of us both, get this love out of yr head. Dearest, i hate you.

BrainCandy

i miss you more when yr close
you tiny palm of cellulose
my cigarette burns like a light in the sky
and nothing can ever bring you even closer
than i

right now
here
right here
i wish u were here




with the smite of sounding ragged
i call you close
like twinny baby fishies in a similar bowl


how'd you like that?
References from my youth,
directed totally at you

like leonard, i love you, suzanne

i talk to a pretty rainbow
she talks, she passes
like a fallen angel.............

i miss you especially when i'm there
i miss you here, there, and everywhere

Every day of Mythmas

was like the following day
of something sad,
of something special
that i never had
And the Peters and Posies
and Everything rosy
couldn't keep pretty from passing her feelings.


i was never calling you..i was never passing through....i was never wanting to, unless of course you wanted to

Like the rain........

I wanna be big like the flood of humanity
i wanna wash yr hook from inside of me
i wanna be big and strong and rough
i wanna be as if i said words big enough

but you only understand
you only understand
the little bouts of wind
that you built yrself to put up with

i wanna drown the little perversions alike
the dripping conundrums you stretch unlike
i wanna possess like the soggy snow
you keep beneath yr pants like so

i wanna seep like the roots of a tree
and disbelieve every lie you keep
from me, from me, from me
i wanna treat yr underbelly
like the ragged remains you've always kept
from me, from me, from me

I wanna gather in the valley
i wanna puddle in the alley
i wanna grow and grow and grow
till i make a river big enough
that you may know
that you may know
that you might know
every little drop of me
condenses so unstoppably
in me

Posture Pedic, I lay you down, love loss bitter cross

your first love was a superficial guy
who spread cum on yr fingers
and honey in yr eye
my first love was a tiny little girl
who had glass on her wrists
and butter on her heals
and who says....
we can't be more than friendly
and who makes
all the funny feelings
and who gives
such a motherfucking
and who makes
all the hello believing.....

my first love was a skinny steel mallet
who cut his cards on a prissy pallette
yr first love was a blonde Xavier
who put all of his feelings on pretty green paper
and who plays with her silly dollies
she can't be real with every passing holly
and he flakes with in a simile dogged
with every dime, he bets on everything solid
we dim
and we yawn
and crawl
in the dawn
we swim
and we yield
to the wall
that every always
will build

Positron

How about that, 1AM.

You Sunk My Battleship

We'd argue twenty moves ahead. I'd bet on the peices and you'd vote for the placement. I'd say, "i have 4 of your men and you have 3 of mine". You'd recount by pointing to my awkward strategy. I gave you the evil eye for castling your heart, while you'd retort "tried tested and true". But yr traditional moves are a bore and we play no more. I have little strategy, not to say I have little sympathy. I know my men and i know yours, and i see you coming from the distance. I don't fear you all around. Because I trust my instincts and I trust my foresight and i trust my vengeance. Yr knights are nothing, yr pawns are nothing, and our queens are dead. During these moments i see you detach and recoil. I silently curse yr soft mind and fallen shield. If you fail yrself, you'll fail me. If you rely on defense, its merely waiting for yr lover's mistake, If you attack like a Queen, you die like a King.
It's never just a game, and i always told you so.

My move:H3G4
 

On the Seventh Day of Mythmas

my true love gave to me seven horns-a-blowing, six sided gemstone, fiiiiive firey rings, four silent owls, three French whores, two batty bats and a black crow in a dead tree. 

On The Sixth Day of Mythmas

my true love gave to me, a six sided gemstone, fiiive firey rings, four silent owls, three French whores and two batty bats and a black crow in a dead tree



 

On the Fifth Day of Mythmas

my true love gave to me, Fiiiiive firey rings, four silent owls, three French whores, two batty bats and a black crow in a dead tree 

Tuesday's Child

Today was a horrible day. It wasn't that anything especially horrible happened or anybody did anything specific. In fact, almost nothing eventful occured. As usual, my phone alarm went off at 6am, and as usual I kept it on snooze until 7:30. I did not want to wake up today, which is not any different than any other day. The same thoughts were slowly making their way into my head. How the cold is barbaric, how the morning is barbaric, and how sleep is barbaric. I hated the thought of taking a shower, until i began hating the thought of my poor hygiene. I let my thoughts argue and the hatred of cold outweighed my hatred of hygiene. After trying to manuever my hair into a ponytail and keep the appearance as if I did take a shower, i left the house. Of course, on days like this, every minor, negative detail seems less like a detail and more like reality. I cursed my dirty car, i cursed my poor radio installation, i cursed the windy road, the dirty snow. I cursed everything unpure, most of all myself. As I pulled into my space at work, I felt a new dread even stronger than the one as I was waking up. At the door, I pulled my keys from my jacket pocket. I thought, "i wish they could wait for everyone to arrive before they lock the door". The door was indeed locked. As I slithered my way to my desk, i immediately grew annoyed at the screeching sounds of the ringing phones. Doesn't everyone feel the vulgarity of phoning before noontime? Perhaps not. The day was slow and my night even worse. Even Gin couldn't shake the icicles from my heart.

On the Fourth Day of Mythmas

my true love gave to me, four silent owls, three French whores, two batty bats and a black crow in a dead tree 

Freedom Fry

I miss this little guy.  

Propagating Popples

I just don't feel together enough in the head to be like an arrow. Instead, i'll be like a snake.
When I moved to the Mountain, i thought i had lost the source of all my powers. But no, it was just hiding in my heart shaped box. It's a ring like a snake. She spends most of her time facing me, whispering half truths into my ear. She guides and watches. I only turn her around on special occasions. Usually when I am hot and hostile. She's a vicious, yet inanimate lovely object. I'm glad she's back, yay snake ring.
I've always thought that movie Ten Things I Hate about You actually listed the 10 things about Hate. Someone told me it doesn't, but I can never trust this person's word about anything. But if I were to list 3 things, it would be the following. 3--yr such a god damn sham 2--yr weakness is despicable 1--how dare you linger.
Today I ate steak, and I'm paying for it dearly.
I watched some cable special on John Lennon today. It reminded me of my girlhood crush on that pansy hippy. But I still love pansies and I still love hippies. well, the cynical ones.
I watched the simpsons, i laughed. i watched arrested development, i laughed. I watched a commercial for tomorrow's trading spouses, i did not laugh. I happened to get caught up in the living room last Monday night, and i began to watch the show. There was something about this particular episode that really freaked me out. That hippy family was super creepy and i thought to myself, "thank god i wasn't raised sleeping in the same room as my old, bearded father". I know that it is hard to get yourself to sit down, at 8 o clock on a Monday night to watch bad reality television. I know that its hard to watch hardcore barefooted hippies for an hour straight, but i have a feeling you'll feel a certain uncomfort that will have you thanking me as you clutch the remote's power button upon the commercials for The Swan. Uh, and it is this of which I write.
i wanna play guitar but my tummy hurts and i'm thirsty. my inner voice told me that's no excuse. but i'm tired and i need to work tomorrow. i didn't do laundry like i said i was. i didn't record that cymbal/metranome/5voiceover/antique crystal bells song i've been thinking about. my mom kicked my sister out of her room, and put her in the guestroom. She's redecorating and it looks all fancy and antique. My grandmas old sewing table and victrola are back. Her crystal figurines are back in the lighted, glass curio cabinet. I can't wait for my mom to go to work so I can play with all those bells. It reminded me of when I was a kid and i'd volunteer to clean the contents of that cabinet. Everything was so pretty. I totally knew how Bart felt tonight as he burnt his toys and talk to the old sea captain. I'd like to be friends with the Captain.
Today Kenny played computer technician and was able to log onto my computer from Las Vegas. YES, VEGAS. Amazing, i say. I heard Babycakes in the background of our conversation, and I'm looking ever so forward to seeing his alleged standing up in his crib and peeking over the edge trick. I fear the holidays. My family will be heading East for North Carolina hoopla. The mountain could be lonely.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to fake my own death and disappear. Leaving all traces of what's now. I'm sure i'd do things of a mischievious nature. And then criticize myself for associating with old memories.
I do that alot, criticize. Maybe its cuz of that time I was criticized for doing lewd things with Popples in 2nd grade. I think that was the first time I felt embarrassed, at least from what I can remember now. Yea, maybe. The criticism didn't make me stop, though. I remember someone else's Popple and puppet shows and silly times, but like I said before, i cannot be associating with old memories.

On the Third Day Of Mythmas

my true love gave to me, three french whores, two batty bats and a black crow in a dead tree  

AudioBlogger

My goodness, the fun I am going to have with this. I'm a Dork>

On The Second Day of Mythmas

my true love gave to me, two batty bats and a black crow in a dead tree 

On the First Day of Mythmas

my true love sent to me, a black crow in a dead tree 

Amazing

I finally did it. I patiently read and followed directions. Now if only I accomplish the finer aspects of HTML webdesign such as decorating it like how I really want. I want better fonts, a better design and arrangement, and a counter. Let's see how I do. Boy, aren't my Fridays fun?

Seven of Diamonds

one hit knockin' me down to the...
floor
twice now keeping me steady for...
more
third grace kept a whole lotta love in yr...
face
four score kept the pitiful stuck by the
door
five alive, i could imagine you late in the
day
sixty six, and still up to your same ole
trix
lucky seven kept the big ones outta
you know it.

On the Even Days, I wish....

i knew my name.

SOS

Same old shit. I'm pissed again because i can't figure out pictures. I try and give myself a few weeks to get over the frustration of stupid hit and miss html shutdowns. I hate it. Though i don't really know what complaining will accomplish, i mean, really nothing right? Uh, it just pisses me off cuz i've got all these images and lots of stuff to say about them...i've become like a caveman staring at the wild fire...with sad, scary fear in his heart. Only, i've got girl fear.

The difference, you ask?
It's pinker.

You sing Like Pinwheel

Blue bayoo,
tis taboo, the things you make me think of you. i still know yr number, still i know yr name. holy shit, ya, i do.

Nothing is Personal

I've been having these fits. Crazy how a certain kind of isolation really gives alot time to think about huh...people. I think about all sorts of people. People i love, People i do not love. I'm not sure if it is the altitude or the forest, or the icicles, or the family, or the SoCal air, but i'm feeling all different inside. I am at this wonderful point where i actually do care...in the larger sense of the word. Yet, i care absolutely not. The actions of others are slow but steadily affecting me less and less.
If I may attribute the change to one thing, it would be the realization that made me smile for about 3 days. Sure, i've heard/read/learned it before, but I don't think i ever really cared to get it. I never really felt it. Perhaps, i didn't even understand it, really. But i do now, and its beautiful. It is this.
A little person is a big world. With satellites all around. Materials, family, lovers, preoccupations, secrets, mannerisms, stealth, leaving the list to infinity. This little world has an atmosphere, this little world has life. You are a god to every idea in your head. Very rare is universe travel. Very rare do people see outside of their reflective ozones. Very rare is true contact away from home.
What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. Same as I.
Somehow, these worlds make me feel less lonely.

Dreary Definitions Deux

Hypocrite: one too critical to be approached with a much needed confrontation. Practices shadow-crawling, but apart from detailed eyes. This is the person who's easily tabled on a backyard balcony, quick to laugh and dash, suddenly needing to use the potty.
There are only 2 necessary categories. A. Exposed- Everyone knows things he/she only attacks arguments won before. Keeping the boundaries limited is an especially tricky manuever of this species.
B. Underexposed-Something seems entirely too tidy. He/She doesn't look shady, doesn't speak shady, doesn't behave shady. But there is definitely too much shade.

SquareBear- The Dramatist

Ro: Has yr colon been acting up?
SB: Not since the weather's changed.
Ro: It snowed 2 weeks ago, but has all melted. So yes?
SB: Oui.
RO: There really aren't any qualified doctors up here, are there?
SB: To be honest, I haven't really explored any options.
Ro: You really should, i've been worried.
SB: Porquoi?
Ro: It's in my nature.
SB: I understand, know what's in my nature?
RO: Not really.
SB: Maulings.

Alls I Know

me be new, me be babey
i know no words
or who you are
meaning all reality
you be yrs, me be mine
everything's amazing
and unreal
perfect...not yet do you show otherwise
but you will
won't you?
i'll grow again
in time, i knew no different.

New, but not necessarily Improved

i've decided to follow up on an idea i had a few days ago in respect to my blog, and in a lesser field, life. Not that i'd ever compare the two, though they are both strikingly indirect. As always, i will keep to my usual practice of posting one entry, all nice and plastic wrapped, while keeping another in my drafting folder as my reference towards my white rabbit rantings. However, doing so with future intentions of an unveiling. Sure, will probably be 1 or 2 months later once the feelings have had time to air. It is my baby step towards my ultimate goal of being truer in expression. Shedding fears, letting go, and making amends. And i am well aware of the shrewd truth that many of these things are really only important in my own, little, maniackly deficient mind. I doubt that's a word, and i doubt even further that if it were, that that would be the correct spelling.
But really, should i market myself for myself, i just might become more satisfied with acquisitions. I'm being experimental these days. I'm like Jack the Pumpkin King.....what does it mean? what does it mean?

The song I wish I wrote

hot, dog, boy i wish i be white
that's right, hon
Jee christ,boy i wish i be white
ya right, son
i always thought they could...
i always thought they could...
i always thought they would...
step on up

mee mo, yo i wish i be white
that's right, hon
jee christ, boy i wish i be white
ya right, son
i thought i saw something
i thought i saw something
i thought i saw something...fly right by.

Travels of an Extraordinary Nature

Learning new things about new people gives me the satisfaction in new days. The journey of others are better than books. Reality seems stronger in the eyes of strangers. A night like so many others, with moves all the same, the lighting fit the ever usual spectrum. Conversations connect with manners all too familiar, yet with a greater hope. After twenty five years of knowing one thing and but hours of knowing another, feels like warming snow. My repetitive nature kept me in a curving line quite like a sphere, whereas I struck against an obtuse and it knocked me right out of the orbital path. Many nights she spent dreaming one dream. The kind where you know it’s only a vision you would never escape. How your mind has its path prepared, and though of your own creation, not entirely yours to maintain. Subconscious rules most natures. So says my yesterday.
According to the ancients, life must remain malleable to sustain. But nobody ever told me that life must remain malleable to regain. Perseverance was the godchild of both strength-of-self and possibility-of-dreamery. The temptation is throbbing like a balloon about to burst. I’d shout on the street if I weren’t such a contradiction.
Most of the weakness leaks from the fears of myself. What if I were too tame to believe in my version of the future? What if my visions are intrinsicly against my nature and just another example in seeking that of which is unable to be held with such a tiny fist? How could I revolt against the routine of each passing day? The time is now. For what I’ve learned is that the goal is not who I might impress, nor who I might acquire, or even why I feel the need. My mission is to prove my strength, my ability, and the confidence I maintain in minding the master of what I believe in as the future. And it marks the day I learned that its not how the world creates you, but how might you create the world. Passivity has no place anymore.
With gratitude,
The Stranger

I'd rather live in my Dreams

Last night I slept in my Momma's bed because the family got snowed out down the hill. Her bed is pretty luxurious. California King with that Space Foam shit, tons of pillows, soft cuddly blankets that smell of fabric softener. It was some good sleeping. And I believe that the incredible comfort led to my wonderfully amusing dreams.

I was at some sort of water park and I was just floating down a river raft in the nice warm sun. I was with my family and it was pleasant. It began getting dark unusually fast, and I ended up in a dark parking lot. All the cars had left and I didn't quite know what I was looking for. The moon was huge and bright orange. I saw a siloutte flying above the moon, and at first I couldn't really make out the shape.

I'm not done.....

First I Dream Naughtily, then I Dream so Sad

i was in a classroom and i wanted to leave because my "boyfriend" was waiting outside. I was in the back left corner seat while the door was at the front right corner of the room. I slithered down my seat like drunken Elliot in ET and put my belly to the floor, and i crawled out the door like Baby Mikey. He laughed when i opened the door and i got up, not at all embarrassed at how i exited my class. I felt completely at ease and he kissed the corner of my mouth. He had two motorcycle helmets in his arms and gave the pearly white one to me. His was black, dirty and scratched. He was dark and he was cute and i've never seen someone like him before. He was crossing a wet, rocky path high on a cliff. I was scared and thrilled and i bit his jacket to keep from screaming like a banshee. I wanted things then and there, and i found that occasionally my dreams oblige.

I awoke from the sensation of falling and i got up for some water. I was embarrassed to wake up. It was early dawn. I went back in my blankets and tried to return.

I was back in my class and i was mad to be there, this time I changed my clothes in my seat until i was dressed all in black. i hadn't any reason to do so. Then i put a ski mask on my head and climbed out the window, imagining that i resembled the burglars in A Christmas Story. I was running down the street, hiding behind poles, trees, mailboxes, baby strollers, and even other burglars hiding behind trees, poles, etc. I turned and came into a rickety rust-ridden gate. There was a cemetary, and it was small like the one in that movie they showed while we waited to get into the haunted house in Ontario. I saw my friend waiting there, about to cry. As i went down to console him, i began to cry in an uncontrollable mess. I couldn't breath, so i let him go, but it was worse so i grabbed back again. I knew someone or something was dead, was gone, forever....i felt such a loss. But the hole was empty and shallow and the stone was blank. My mind began to zoom out and i let him go. The place was suddenly full with people. Suddenly calm, we parted and he was fine as well. I went to stand by my mom and grandma. And i looked back but he was gone. I felt empty and hugged my grandma's arm, still unaware of what we were mourning.

Leaving See Saw

Yr living with a snow globe. Clearly, we can see.
Where Neverything is permanent, unkempt or make believe.
The stump for rested pumperknick might leak for forty years
should yr mouth might make a sound for anything and yours
Couldn't help but comprehend just how lingering U do time
as thinking little for the mind and even lesser of the crime
So look at how you have me do and yes, without a word
dreaming of the gravestone reads and reading what you mean
Crowning from the birth of touch do i speak or let you die
pardon thee for what to see when pocketing the seed up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down
leaving seesaw....it just ain't right

Dreary Definitions

Alcoholic- person deeming the drink more important than the other.
Stages 12&3-- usually funner when drunk.
Stage 4&5, walk the other way, it isn't cute, it isn't funny. There is something very dark and very vulgar hanging on every word.


But there is power in the drink. It turns all feedback into noise. It takes a tree of several branches, and makes it only into one. One long, tall stump. Things are less complicated. The slowing of the eye finds less criticism staring back. It's an oversized umbrella. It's a fuse to the fire. It's something only some people will ever truly experience. It's sadly beautiful and unforgivably pathetic. The true are never proud. She's an ever haunting.

Overdramatic- person deeming the reaction more important than causation.
Stages 1&2--creating excitement with any breath, in the moment, bold, inspirational.
Stages 3&4--walk the other way. A day will come when you become the boring, thus forcibly becoming the exciting.

But like to a moth to a flame. It is like a cancer. Attraction is an orgy between interest, incest, and intrigue. If our culture has taught us anything, it was spastic. It was short, it was weighted.

I've drearied myself into a sleepy slumb.

Fast-Like Forty

i can just imagine yr future. Fastlike and forty. Makin up for all the lost time. Herein yr twenties.

Even the Biggest Fool can find another Fool to Follow

blind anger that you can't understand unless you've been there. unless you've had your own version of the story. there are two ends to be on. eventually you experience them both. it matters not how pretty you are. and charm, especially charm has no meaning here. the big accusation: tis always selfishness. grown-ups act like children, and even children act like children. children are inexperienced without past mistakes to compare you to....loving unconditionally should it be allowed and encouraged. until the first stroke, arm numb, fog in the eyes, and a searing pain. the major affecteds are the heart and head. but there are cases of affected genitals. gravity becomes angry with your tunnel vision and staples you to the bed, or floor, where should you be comfortable. things get slower and thoughts stretch long like a licked together Abbazabba. you hate like you love, careful with the edges, kinder on the offense, never without a backward answer. Cameron said it best..."pardon my french, but yr an asshole". it could be quite a spectator sport, just never admit it. they "claim" to hate "games". fuck nuances and your "tone", i knew it first and yr just jealous. Re-creation happens fast, or so it seems. the second times, sometimes thirds and fourths make attempts at role jumping. hurt is active and passive. i don't boast for what i've learned, for it was little, so much i'm embarrassed. but you'll never make if you never do, and so should you, too. i make little promises with that constant voice "my life is a joke". i retort, mine too, mine too. so freakin' great isn't it
though digressing, not really much because two heads are better than one. and i'm gonna get mine through any means possible.

The Devil's Plaything

How could somebody argue whether or not they believe in fate when its almost impossible to understand? Unless you have a ball of crystal that works, how could you ever determine whether certain things happen for a reason. You never get the chance to see the offshoots of possible realities that could occur if you made the "other" decision. Movies like the Butterfly Effect suggest that no matter what direction you go in, if fate has its way with you, the outcome will be the same only with a different coloured shell. I wonder, does fate protect me?
I had one of those fate days today. My plans must change. The way I saw the next year has changed, and to that i wonder why?

I wasn't really done with this post. I just had a weekend in my way.

But yes, back to my day of fate. I learned that my plans for the next year and a half have been temporarily postponed for reasons of my own creation. Not knowing something important really is my own fault, not fates. However the way things must be manuevered now that I made the said mistake, work in my responsible favor. I will have the chance to be financially fit for the next endeavor. Uh, and the summer will be a less horrible time to return to Berkeley.
I sometimes think I ponder these things as some off-the-wall form of consolation. Like religion or some shit like that. If things happen for a reason, and if I were lucky or intuitive enough to have called the school before Nov. 1st, maybe my Spring would have been difficult, and not thoroughly prepared for.

Or maybe not. I'm probably not making sense. Although, I would have, had I discussed this without any boundaries. For if my typing hands were not gagged for fear of disclosing my desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies, etc., well then, you could see that this has more to do than waiting 6 more months to complete the seemingly uncompleteable. It has to do with sad separation. Poof, though, I'm done with this.

And Meyer, you go boy!

Infatuation of the First Degree

I had forgotten what it felt like. You know, when you're just dumbfounded by the fucking hotness of someone. When you wake early in the morning and see him sleeping and know its wrong to stare, and if he were to wake up to seeing you with a blank happy stare...well, it just wouldn't be kosher...ya know? It's been awhile since i had one of those crushes...the kind where it consumes ya when yr driving, as yr falling asleep, daydreaming at work or in class or in the shower. It's just the best, and it might just make me feel pathetic if it weren't so sickly satisfying.
I'm sure his ladyfriend's got it good.

And the Bat came back....

the very next day.

Unfortunately, i found out some terribly disappointing news about the futile attempts at improving my stupid situation. Apparently, i have wasted my time taking classes here, classes there. Because there is this thing called "senior residency", there is this thing called "administrative bullshit", and again the thing called bureacratic ass raping. Yes, i again feel the metaphoric lingering pain of a good, serated knife the size of an asshole, assrape. She's gots to go back for some miniscule amount of units, $3360 down the drain....walking through crowded sprouls of hippy, hipster (not hypnotic, though hypocritical) little brats. Well, me 4 years ago. Fine, me still, just without the foolish happiness. I am not looking forward to this at all, and i wish my past self would have had at least some moments of responsibility and foresight. What a fuckin' fool.

Troubleshooter

1. you feel powerless after 8pm review the day. if you were run off the road by an SUV or your boss tried to undermine your intelligence, you may feel a little out of sorts. Review the day before today. If it is better, pretend that was your day. 3 glasses of wine will also help. Sometimes a certain CD set on low will suffice.

2.things didn't work out like you wanted them to Find the source of why you thought they might. the reason may be hard to distinguish. Take your time. Once you locate the fantasy, disconnect and power off.

3. the world seems like a scary place to be Consider whether you were thinking about election day. If so, try and think of disastrous moments in history. Pretend it is that day. Now remember it is today, perhaps you'll feel better. See 1.

4. Everything seems the same all the timeRealize that it is. And there are not unless, elses, or untils about it.

5. the complaining never ends.shut up or go to sleep.

Re: My Snow Day Link

Don't i look like a hobo?


If you answered yes to the following question, good. Then you are astute. But you see, that is the style in these parts. Be a good hobo, and the locals will smile at you. By the way, by locals i mean locos.

The Love Vote

if i am dissatisfied with the choices of my fellow countrymen, i will not hesitate to react. i will grow angry and bitter. i will want explanations. the experience will not be pleasant. this is not a threat, this is not a test, this is merely my feelings at this very moment.

StrongBad

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html

Whether the Weather

It's freezing up here. No, really. I felt like a little kid all day long.

http://www.geocities.com/axlelaser3/Snow.html?1098934713040

All Hallows Eve

i'm so excited, and i just can't hide it.....i know, i know, i know, i know, i know
Me be makey makey my costume, me be makey makey my midori....

A through M vs. N through Z

Yesterday, my boss made a new rule that my associate and I split the alphabet and handle our respective files from now on. This seemed okay at first, until I noticed that A-M has a 3-2 ratio against N-Z. I counted all our piles around the office which are all separated in alphabetical order. And every pile had a similar ratio.
So naturally, i went and alerted my boss that this new system is not fair. Well, she told me that this works with every other company and though it varies, it will ultimately be even. So i accepted her word and forgot all about it until she came upstairs and put a peice of paper on my desk. This was an email from an unknown source which listed the 10 most common letters of last names. 6 of them were A-M. 4 were N-Z. I told her that even her paper supported my claim, and its just not fair.
Sure, it may seem like i'm trying to get out of having to do more work that my associate, and that's true, only i was more into trying to reach an understanding that based on observations, this would eventually be a problem. Well, i must have really pissed her off because she then made the following condescending comment
R: I guess we will see. That's just my hypothesis.
H: Ya, well, its a good thing that you weren't a math major.
R: Actually, i'm quite good at math.
H: Get back to work.

She later told my friend that I'm no mathemation and i should keep my hypotheses to myself.
And that was the moment I realized that I'm not getting paid to think.

Next Time, Gadget

God, if i could only figure out how to remove those hideous parallel lines bathed in stark, white shit. And oh, to figure out pictures.....oh what a dream.

it's not unusual.....

Many people cannot help being shy. It's not easy having things shout like hell in your head, while your head just does a little wobble in its downward motion. In fact, its one of the hardest things to do. Keeping things, always holding....not all dogs will jump from a moving car. It's not easy to recognize its all some childish game. It's not easy. Sometimes codes are the only things tolerable.

Capital T

to think you scary shutter to think bravo mystere bringer somewhere she's fast
of the nightly rain slightly mover from brain to head wearing comfort like a hat
better than words and heaven too shell fear the phone grip in the eyes closed
and know it face on a hotplate nose to mouth and well now the room
no no 13, no no 15 hands are memory and away, likely to say silly some thing
codes of empty tin fucking hothotshot growinggrow there's a laugh now hiding in my head
it really is the cutest thing i ever did see

Compromised

I just hate that if i want to make easy sidebars, i have to have this shitty template.
But then, with this Mr. Moto template, it seems more complicated to fuck with the
colors. Damn. Maybe i don't have enough patience. For Sure.

Damn the Dawn!!!!

this is harder than i thought.....there's new respect to those who can do this well.

The Heat is On

I will win this contest. I am sure of it. In competition, i strive. No more pussy ass bullshit. No more fear of loss. No more Drowning of Sorrows. No NO nO no no More.
I promise this time. I promise you. I promise me.

Pastoral Skeletal Muscular Mania

It matters not if I'm right or wrong.
You, small voice in the evening hall, you are wrong.
Loneliest shroud of bitter withdraw
It's all fascade, fascade, fascade.
You hear, she's raw.

It matters not if I heart or I sting
You broken stragg of frayish string
Cauliflower brink of deadly mislead
Its all make-believe, i believe, i believe
You here, extreme.

Pinot princess under hipster ragu
and every slithering strip of Kachu
The slanderous result of amour perdue
coming all over the slanted of You.

SARS

So, what ever happened to.........

And one last thing....

...i've been expecting this.

Its like what the Beatles said at the end of their career, "the love you take is equal to the love you make". And i'm sure it works the other way around as well.

I suspect that i believe in karma.
I suspect that i may be a hippy.

I just want to be what I can't already see....

I was sitting in my class, surrounded by children and unhappy housewives when i dozed into a daydream which was less of a fanciful experience and more of a dream where you feel very uncomfortable, rushed and imposed upon. I heard my psych teacher describing social development, blah blah blah, self esteem, blah, gender identity, blah blah, etc. I really wished to leave because these were things i've heard countless times before in other humanities type classes. As she was describing how people become "stuck" in the stages that they were unable to master and work through, I began wondering where I belonged in these types of things. I decided that this question warranted actually looking at my handout.
I looked to see what social-emotional stage a healthy 25 year old should be. Apparently, this is the stage of refining skills at personal relationships and intimacy. According to my worksheet, this developmental process occurs around 19 (beginning of college age) and spanning to around 27 (i guess when people marry). I felt a little troubled, inadequate, and intimidated after quickly reviewing my ability at personal relationships and intimacy. I rapidly assessed my overwhelming fear of people and their cruel intentions, their evil thoughts, and their condescending perceptions of who I am.
i wondered to myself, "why do you assume the worst of people? why would these people think these things about you? why do you care? and last but not least, "is this just your crazy paranoia, you psycho?" No, its not. People have told me that i'm crazy, silly, these things are all in my head. But I know they are not. All I can judge others on is how they treat other people and how they treat me, and how they treat themselves. If they are cruel behind the backs of people on the same par as myself, I can't help but wonder....are they secretly cruel to me?
One example, which truly saddens and disappoints me, is as follows. I have a friend, a good friend, who honestly spoke their feelings about another friend. These feelings were not very nice, not very friendly, not very pleasant at all. They alluded to both character and physical appearance. It alluded to fatness, ugliness, unworthiness, etc. I felt angry and defensive of my friend, but didn't say a word. This shitty, cowardly move of mine was more of side effect of the horrible offense I selfishly took towards myself. I thought to myself, "self, i know i weigh more than this friend of mine, is this what my friend, my good friend, thinks of me as well?" Rather than feel empathy for my offended friend, i felt embarrassment and uncomfort for myself.
I am digressing, for I was trying to find out why my developmental stages are all fucked up. I hate Pyschology. I hate that its "normal" to build trusting, lasting relationships with others. Why can't it be normal to fear others, keep your feelings hidden, smother your love for another until it turns itself into angry hatred? Why can't those things be on my handout?
My dream last night brought up an interesting realization. I dreamt that I was kissing someone and he stopped and said "i've never thought about you like this". I was so mad and i said, "why not!!!" He didn't answer and left. I was so angry. So i walked down the street at night. It was the old neighborhood in LA where I grew up. When i woke up, i saw that my love turns to hate when left unreturned. I hated that dream.

Necromance

TV just taught me about a store on Melrose where they sell real human body parts. I'm so there next weekend. So there......

Neo-Mongoloidal Symbols for to Broaden

oftentime a light will cease to blind,
sexy motherfucker number five sign,
Creo que sueno sin la razon,
but if there weren't any memory or anything bigger....
heard yr comments on the lawn, so very very very in the wrong.
It's the certainties that drive the nutty nuts
because there never is a why, just a no.
Always and now and Just.
Please for a little revision,
you burn my treasures, animos.
con deslealtad en la corazon
pero sin intenciones, verdad?
or so they say
clearly the rainbow rains and parades
so comfortably convenient
si llamo, dame finja
entonces que sabre
its you.

MY BOOTY LEG MOVIE!!!!

YEa, it was on par with the one that Jerry filmed. Yea, big burritos.

Pantamiming Rhyming

I wish i actually could believe myself when i blab on and on about something or another. I wish that my opinions on a matter could be grounded a little firmer. I should get to sleep, but my brain is in write/think mode. Only it is very very tired and not doing much of a job at all. People are all over the place these days. It makes me slap happy and grabby. I'm so very very sleepy.
Lately, i've been dabbling in a little coffee drinking in the mornings. I'm at work, and i'm cold and i smell it creep up the stairs, and its free. And it makes me all focused and such. It also makes me concentrate on not only my workload, but also my jokes. I find myself funnier after some coffee. It's like the productive equivalent of 2 puffs from a fatty. I don't usually use that term. I prefer the 80's inner city term, shwag. What Eva....

Monosodium Glutamate

I figured that i might as well not let my speech assignment go to waste. Here's some info on......

MSG: The Secret Ingredient

Introduction: Today at break, you'll probably walk outside the classroom, and get some fresh air, and maybe even hit the snack machines downstairs. Speech class can get you pretty thirsty. But are you fully aware of what a simple bag of chips and soda pop can do to you? The slogan for Lays Potato Chips is "Bet you can't eat just one". Have you ever wondered why? Is it because you're really hungry? Or is it because they are super tasty? Or could it be that there is some secret ingredient in many of your favorite snack foods that fools your brain into thinking that "you can't eat just one"? I suspect that you may know what I'm alluding to, but I bet you weren't aware of just how many foods this secret ingredient is added to and just how it affects your short and long term health.
I. According to the FDA Backgrounder, a website produced by the US Department of Health and Human Services in 1995, "MSG can be found not only in canned soup and flavored crackers and chips, but also can be found in frozen treats such as ice cream, yogurt, soda pop and other snack foods.
A. MSG became publicly known to most Americans through the media and heresay in connection to Chinese food. It is said to be added as a flavor enhancer to many dishes containing high amounts of soy sauce.
1. Glutamate, the natural chemical found in the many foods, was actually discovered by the Japanese when they noticed that seaweed broth significantly enhanced the flavor of certain foods.
2. This occurs because seaweed and soy have high contents of glutamate. In the early 1900s, MSG was produced in this way, however in recent times, it is made from corn, starch, sugar or molasses. It is produced by a natural fermentation process similar to the process of making beer, vinegar or yogurt. Bacteria synthesize glutamic acide outside of their cell membranes. This was the method that brought it to such a large scale of production, and inclusion into our daily diets.
3. Other natural foods that contain Glutamate are tomatoes, peas, mushrooms, soybeans, and meat. The common relation between these foods are the fact that they produce a similar amino acid, which are the building blocks of proteins.
B. The body contains glutamate receptors which are stimulated when these foods are consumed. When the receptors become stimulated, your brain is flooded with other neurologically yummy chemicals that trick it into thinking that the food is tasty on your tongue, thus tricking you, the eater, into thinking the food tastes savory.
1. Monosodium Glutamate, or MSG is a synthetic chemical which is slightly tweaked from its natural form of glutamate. The body cannot distinguish between the glutamate naturally present in certain foods from the monosodium glutamate made synthetically and added to foods as an enhancer.
2. MSG is sold as a fine white crystally substance, which looks very similar to salt or sugar. It does not have a distinct flavor of its own.
3. According to some researcher's beliefs, MSG imparts a fifth taste independent of the four tastes of sweet, sour, salty and bitter. This taste is described as savory. The Japanese have named it umami.
II Monosodium Glutamate is said by certain scientists to have negative effects on your health.
A. However, this issue is ongoing, and according to the IFIC.org health publication on Everything You Need to know about MSG, Monosodium Glutamate is safe. They argue that because MSG is one of the most extensively researched substances in the food supply worldwide, and no serious side effects have been discovered among large portions of the population, then it is safe.
1. According to the same article, infants metabolize glutamate at the same rate as adults, which alludes tot he fact that it is not any more harmful for small children.
2. MSG contains less sodium than table salt. 13% to 40%
B. According to the FDA Backgrounder, the FASEB report released the following health effects coming from a collaboration of multiple studies and scientific literature.
1. An unknown percentage of the population may react to MSG in the following ways: burning sensation in neck, tingling and weakness in the face, chest pain, headache, dizziness, drowsiness, nausea.
2. A large percentage of otherwise healthy individuals would develop mild cases of these symptoms after consuming a mere 3 grams of MSG.
3. People presupposed to asthmatic conditions have a higher and more dangerous weakness to the effects caused by MSG.
III. Since there are studies suggesting that a very common food additive can have negative effects on the body, it is important to know the laws on labeling packaged foods.
A. Under the current FDA regulations, MSG must be identified to the consumer as "monosodium glutamate" in the label's ingredient list. It also must be placed in order of the percentage it takes up in the list of total ingredients.
1. Labels that claim "NO MSG" don't necessary have to include the naturally occuring glutamates present in ingredients such as tomatoes or mushrooms. This could cause some serious sickness in those individuals highly sensitive to MSG.
2. There are some other names that MSG goes by, along with thier sister chemicals which are chemically similar and produce similar effects: hydrolyzed soy protein,
B. Some studies suggest that the overstimulation of the glutamate receptors for a prolonged lifetime can cause nervous disorders such as fibromyalgia or heart arrhythmia, epilepsy, Parkinsons and Huntington's disease. These diseases are all neurological diseases that affect your axial dendrital functions. (Show Picture)
IV. Use of MSG in food has increased exponentially in the last 30 years due to the explosion of pre-packaged snack foods.
A. MSG is found in most soups, salad dressings, processed meats, frozen entrees, bread, low and no fat foods as flavor enhancers to make up for the flavor lost when the fat is reduced.
B. It has been found in cosmetics, pharmecuticals, and dietary supplements such as certain vitamins.
As you can see, monosodium glutamate has not only snuck into our mealtimes, but it has also been incorporated into our health and beauty supplies. As a preserving agent, we have managed to surround our bodies, both inside and out, with chemicals meant to keep us preserved. Though there are strong cases for both sides suggesting the effects of Monosodium Glutamate on our health, it seems much safer to avoid a potentially harmful chemical. Individuals have the right to know the hidden ingredients lurking in their environment, and should be aware of the possible long and short term side effects that any chemical may have on their body. So when you make your way to the snack machine, give a little looksy to list of ingredients on the back of your snack food, it might surprise you to see how much of this chemical you've been consuming without even knowing it.

One of the Memories to Laugh

Perhaps it should go under my top 20 stupidest moments. Circa 2001, I am standing at the bus stop 51 on the T of bancroft and telegraph. i am consumed in thought and music as i'm huddled in my hoody with the strings tied tightly. I am brought back into the world when i feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn, and i find an old, crazy-haired man with a wild look in his eye trying to communicate something blasted. So I emerge from my headphones and say, "excuse me?". He's shakey, he's jagged, he's a one of a kind. He asks in a loud, jolty voice "where's the 7 stop? Where's the 7 stop?". I point and reply, "over there". His voice then grows louder and angrier, "where? where?". I point and reply, "over there by the tree." He continues, "where, where, you moron, can't you see that i'm blind?" I then glanced into his eyes and saw that indeed, he was blind". He was at the height of his agitation, i was at the height of offense and embarrassment. I was confused and just wanted to run into the bus that was pulling up. Instead, i grabbed his callused hand and pulled him to the sign. He didn't say thank you, and i'm not really sure if he should have. I'm still confused by that incident.

The Lesson of a Lifetime

Sometimes shitty ass things can be the catalyst to the big prospective. When you watch it happen to someone else, it comes in even clearer. Its amazing how abandonment can teach you about love, and infatuation can shed suns onto detachment. How can you measure someone's worth? How can you predict the depth of the pool before you fall in? Eventually evaporation will pull all the water, and make it crystal clear. Until they invent mind reading visors or future seeing sunglasses, all we have to rely on is Time. I don't really believe in Love. I only believe in fear of lonliness, jointly-mirrored egotism, and sex. I only wish i could convince myself that i was just a jaded, no-good liar.

I'm so sick of the way things are. I'm done with it. I refuse to let these things get to me. And i've learned my lesson. This time, i think i learned it good, and so have they......

Could September be any Different?

Probably not

I almost forgot....

how it feels to be 13. Until, of course, i moved back home and watched my little sister be this miserable age. She came home the other day with a huge safety pin in her eyebrow. I told her, "mom's gonna freak so get it out of there". Personally, i thought it looked good, but i didn't know what to do. Should i be the cool sister or the uncool tattletale? I feel like i'm some sort of traitor. Do i identify with the authority jerks....teachers, parents....or am i still the asshole girl who hates the power keepers? I'm remembering what 13 is like....and its scary.
It's different now, though...my mom is much more lenient. She's happier, less cranky....i dont know. i decided that the oldest sibling has alot of responsibility in a family. They've gotta have balls until its time to take the responsibility of not letting your followers make the same mistakes. Whatever....lost cause. I just got yelled at for drinking all the beer. No wonder everything is messed up......

My minor touch on the political activity....

...as it applies here in Big Bear.
Firstly, i just wanted to state that last semester, yes, only a mere 8 months ago, i paid 88 dollars to take 8 units at my local community college. Math majors, that's 11 bones a unit. Now, after some lame ass bill signed by our muscular governor, i am to pay 26 dollars a unit. I feel a bit unsettled about this, especially when i didn't see any improvements or additions to the already existing classes available. Fuck that shit.
Secondly, in order to make a class run, in these parts, there must be at least 15 people enrolled. So as you can imagine, in a small, mountainous, hillybill-ville, there is trouble meeting quotas. Therefore, what is the solution? Recruit the highschoolers! So yes, my theatre and psych class is filled with young 9-12th graders, who were just released from 7 hrs of school just a few hours before another 3 hour class. I only bring this up because you can imagine the impact that this has on how the class runs. So yes folks, i'm in high school again. (i survive by repeating...a means to an end, a means to an end).
Thirdly, my theatre professor tends to state his personal beliefs in class, a little too much for my taste. I felt strangely offended when he began discussing Mel Gibson's talents and ideology. And i don't take offense very easily. Then, he continued with showering praise upon Robin Williams, his proposed "favorite actor". Now, i personally found Mork and Mindy to be the biz-omb. And I even (and i'm a bit embarrassed to admit such a thing) found Mrs. Doubtfire somewhat interesting. For me, drag comedy is ALWAYS funny. But What Dreams May Come..One Hour Photo? Patch Adams? Bicentenniel Man? My god, is this guy serious?---on a side note, i did like that movie where he was homeless. (a funny side story, is that once when i was helping dodes move into his apartment in SF, i began speaking with this guy going through his trash. He told me that the other day, Robin Williams was walking around San Francisco interviewing the homeless as research on a movie he's doing where he plays without a home. I wondered, as he spoke, "should i believe this homeless man digging through the trash?" After he presented his claim, i decided, "yes, he sounds truthful."

Lastly, i got a little smokey last night and couldn't really concentrate on changing the channel, so i watched the entire hour broadcast of the nightly news. In the manor of M. Moore's allusions in 911, i felt very scared. The music was frightening, i was marijuana-ed, they had a story on how there is a rise in cars crashing into houses, a side story on west nile, they showed some clips of revolts in iraq...a child of the age of 3 holding an automatic weapon, everybody
in scary gowny clothes and militant wear. It appeared like they've never even seen an Old Navy. Yes, i was scared. I kept hearing noises outside, it made me deem it an impossibility that i would leave my house that night. No way, not with all that going on outside of my house. Instead, i'll stay on my couch and cower behind my television news report...and drink beer. Thus, that's what i did.

dollop, the terror equestrian

a lite steals an animal streak
down the rosey ashy bottle brashy soft porn street
in to fight like a pony in a pool
there's a pony in the pool, there's a pony in the pool
can't cough, can't hunt, there's nothing helping in the trunk
so when the lamps go low
and with the radio slow
JD must have hidden because someone's being sloppy

I just noticed that.....

some people have friends. And those friends have friends. I'm not sure where my friends are. Perhaps they are in my head. In my deep, dark hungry head.

METROID WAS A LADY, BOY!!!!!!

i miss my nintendo. i wanna get drunk with you and play Dr. Mario. I want to remind you where the magical lake lies, the one who fills all your hearts back to its potential. I want to make my magic indian do his fancy round the ring tricks. I want to drop my the lettuce onto the dancing pickles and spray salt into your eyes. I wish i could eat all the snakeys and make the bell ring. If only the games i used to play were still a game to play. If only i had the magic mushrooms to bring you back to life, if only i held the magic whistle. You were a dreamsake, a bout of imagination. You were the bodycount at the end of our two part series. It was always best when we'd play simultaneously. There were never enough games like those, were there?

Top Twenty Stupid Moments--(A Work in Progress)

the time I let a homeless crackhead in my room then later drove him to buy some more in ghetto berkeley (at least i didn't sleep with him)
the time I filled my mouth with lighter fluid and spit it on a lit match
the time I took 2 hits of acid at a rave that looked like a dirt storm war scene
the time I raised my hand in 50 birge and compared the Fairie Queen to Final Fantasy VII
the time I burned my sturdiest bridge
the three times I cried while watching I Am Sam (counts as 1)
the time I attempted to drive home after a very very bad night
the time I sped my bike down my street with my purse dangling from the handlebar
the time I threw a sock on the light fixture in my old house
the time I went into that room at that random halloween party
the time I reversed and popped my tire on the truck loading lift
the time I drunkenly admitted my lowest moments to my father
the time I soberly admitted my feelings ever so unsuccessfully

Suggestions made by Motorola
*the time i fell off of my 8 foot lofted bed
*the time i was made to drink charcoal

feel free to help me complete my list........i need more time to think

A Bear

in the front yard.

It's August First, and......

i thought i'd access my bloggy entries for the past month and see what, if anything I accomplished this month. My healthy eating and exercise began to go on a decline when i stopped chronicling. I believe this may have been because i wasn't keeping a conscious effort to detail my intake and outtake. As for placing $900 in my savings account, i don't really know how i was expecting to do that when i had a backlog of bills to catch up with, and a payment to the school to make. I was excited to send my first $400 to the grouchy regents who hold my degree as a Shwartzeneigger signatured hostage. $1900 to go.......
I have recorded 2 of my songs, but that isn't really finishing it since I only have a 4-track and they are filled. I'll have to turn it into one track and refeed it back in, so i can add the drums. Only my drums sound like shit and it angers me. I think i'll spend my extra spending money of next month on a new set of cymbals. Nothing too fancy nor shitty, for less than $200, guitar center offers this prepack of 20" ride, 16" crash, hi hats, and a bonus splash. And when i went into the soundproof cymbal room, and banged on every single one, and i found I preferred Zildjian over Sabian. I think those little splashes are the cutest things, for if you put two of them together, they'd resemble the baby spaceships from Batteries Not Included. But i don't really know what i'm talking about, as someone might someday tell.

I also did not fix my mother's sewing machine. (Which I broke, by the way). So what did i really accomplish....well, reading two books.....The Haints, and The Twentieth Century-A people's history, becoming a little more healthy and washing my car, which was the most disgusting its ever been. (I parked under this tree that dropped these weird pod/berry things that got everywhere, and all the sap stains on my hood and windshield were scrubbed away. )And, I purchased a Shure dynamic Mic and stand..... Alright, so other than that......well, little. My goals for next month include:

*Riding the Cyclerro to and from work everyday. (Brilliantly stolen from my blog Twin, it sounds like it could be fun, especially since there's this convenient little bike path by the lake. It would also guarantee an hour of aerobic exercise 5 days a week. )

*Limiting my smokes to 4 a day....thus cutting to a pack a week (kind of).

*I am currently undergoing a bet with my sister. The background: we watched The Amish Life, or whatever its called, and she was rambling something about being a Vegan like that girl on the show. I told her she could never do it....nope, not possible. Why would she even want to try? But no, she claimed she could. So i bet her that I, yes I, the lover of cheese, burgers, and ice cream....would even be able to do it longer than she could. The bet was made. I know that i will win for the following reasons. 1. I make strong on my bets and 2. I at least have money to go to the store and buy some nuts and berries and soy milk, when our refrigerator runs out of fruit and cereal. I play wicked..... We are starting our little experiment on Monday. I'll keep a post of what its like to be a squirrel. [1998 Flashback---Sherin and I had the same bet back in the Cloyne days, and I won after 4 hours when Sherin broke down after smoking from the Chancellor and made herself a pesto quesadilla.]

*Save $800 for the Regents on Sept 1st.

*Buy cymbals

*Re-ask Yea-ming if she would be so kind as to maybe want to sing a song of mine....really a song of Shakespeare's, since they are all ophelia quotes in arrangement.....

*Paint my father a portrait for his birthday on August 11th.

*Fix sewing machine (optional)

Five VS. Five and Twenty

Five: she resides with her mother and younger brother in dirty commercial neighborhood where most of the children in school speak spanish on the playground. she does not speak spanish. during recess, she keeps herself busy by either collecting bees in a jar or spinning on the monkey bars. mrs. fuentes keeps her after school by asking her if she'd like to help her with some tasks. only she doesn't know that mrs. fuentes knows her mom sometimes forgets to pick her up. well, she only lives around the block, and one block away from mrs. F, so they walk home together most days after school. she remembers learning how to spell her name, she remembers only knowing capital letters, she remembers alot for a child that age.

Five and Twenty:she resides with her mother and a newer family. she works in an environment where her coworkers communicate amongst themselves in spanish. she knows only some spanish now. during lunch, she keeps herself busy by smoking near the back of the building and making calls on her cellular. she lives too far from work to walk home, but she does take walks after arriving home. she remembers unlearning her work ethic, she remembers meeting "the man", she remembers alot for a child her age.

Five: her best friend lives 5 blocks away. his mother babysits for her mother alot, but she never minds because she loves her best friend. she's still too young to know what it really means to love a friend, but it doesn't matter. he is very finicky, sometimes he'll want to play and sometimes he'll lock her out of his room and ignore her. one time he almost drowned her in his doughboy pool thus making her cry and fear him. she hated when he wouldn't let her play with his g.i. joes or he-man castle. he didn't like when she'd make his heroes do girly things. he grew jealous when his next-door neighbors used to come over his house to play with her, so he'd call her names and shun her. she was oftentimes hurt by his actions. but when he came into her kindergarten class with tears in his eyes, holding mrs. f's hand, she gave him her crayons and gave him a hug. she thought, boys are strange.

Twenty Five: her best friend lives far away. his mother lives closer to her than he does, but it doesn't bother her because she still loves her best friend. she's still too naive to know what it really means to love somebody, but it doesn't matter. he is very finicky, sometimes he'll talk about things that he feels and sometimes he'll ignore anything ever said. one time he did absolutely nothing to her yet he made her cry and fear him. she hated when he would pretend not to hear something, though he'd never call her names or shun her to her face. she was only once hurt by his actions, but now knows it was her own fault. but when he is sad and lonely, she shares her toys and hugs him. she still thinks, boys are strange.

Five: she's a quiet one. she likes to play outside. she likes to go where she's not supposed to and get very dirty. she will roll around on the grass despite knowing it will make her itch later. she gets in trouble alot, but for things like cutting all the roses off their bushes or putting insects into jars. She never can foresee what is going to harm her, and she injures herself alot. she loses things because she has a hard time paying attention and remembering items. she prefers to remember people and events.

Twenty Five: she's not so quiet. she likes outside, but not exercise. she likes to do what she's not suppose to, but stays clean. she's learned to give flowers their chance to grow, but still yearns to cut every pretty smelling thing she sees. she has better foresight and tries to make goals to help better her situation. she still has trouble sticking to them, though. she remains absent-minded and ditzy because still she prefers people over things.

Five: She was caught kissing boys for Chuck E. Cheese coupons.

Twenty Five: She envies those days.

And on a side note.......

        Another interesting personality I ran into at the party was Gene. His situation in law seems pretty sweet at the moment. But there was something i found strangely familiar while speaking with the guy. I was talking about something (stupid, i'm sure), and i made some sort of sweeping generalization which I'm known to do. Of course, wouldn't it be him who clarifies the language and corrects the said statement? I commented on how that remark was very Mark Meyer-esque. And i was just wondering if it's just me, or is there something about lawyers and lawyers-to-be? I can't really place my finger on it.

The City of Angels and the River Bottom

These days that come at the end of the week are starting to get pretty good. I hope this doesn't change. I drove my little Camry down into the valley, and visited with people I haven't seen in a very long while. Firstly, i attended Lora's mini birthday celebration. Their apartment is located in the city where my sweet little Elliot resided, which definitely made getting off the freeway funner than usual. Anyway, I drank and chatted on their lovely little stoop, and met their friends who were quite charming. Another interesting addition to the night was hanging out with Bennett with whom I haven't spoken in about 4 years. I was definitely glad that I did something unlazy, and drove further than i usually do. Refreshing.
    Saturday and Sunday was spent with the Dormanens and Manders. J9 made me a yummy strawberry shortcake, and an awesome omelette. Babycakes was sweet as usual, and I love when he holds my fingers and walks like a little dinosaur. He is freakishly strong, and i think he should enter a standing contest against some other 4 month olds, he'd kick their baby asses right into the playpen!!!!! My favorite scene of the Sunday was watching their freakish roommate hover over a sleeping Kenny and wake him up to fix her internet connection. I wasn't sure if i was laughing at this girl's crazy demeanor, or Kenny's pissed-off reaction. Well, i guess it was all good. Just like the saying, IT"S ALL GOOD.

The Summoning

I'm so tempted to bring down my last drunken post, but whatever....that's what happens when you leave a girl to her vices. Anyway, i'm going to a party tonight. Wish me luck. Luck.

He Had it Coming.......He Only had himself to Blame

My new favorite thing is the musical we know as CHicago. I don't know why i love show tunes more than a gay man in nylon stockings. It's just so god damn good. I mean, I learned to love all that shit back in the 80's when i'd sing and dance to Annie in the kitchen. I'd slide around the floor and throw the mops around, while wishing my mom was drunk in a bathtub. Someone didn't have to wish all that hard, though. But regardless, I pretended to be Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors. I'd pretend my dentist boyfriend would beat the crap out of my face. I'd want terrible things to happen to me, if only i were the heroes that i'd emulate during my little games of pretend. I used to wish that I was a poor idiot from the wrong side of London who'd get some lingual asshole to teach them how to be civilized, who'd teach them how to charm everyone who'd think they were better. I wished I could wear dresses to the race track. And I'd dream about tricking an entire town into buying my invention of a self ass kicker. Everyone would try to hire me, and love me, and want to dance around the stage with me.
Roney is drunk.....she's so drunk right now.......and on beer....imagine that!!!! Ronell, drunk from beer? What could that be about? And she love show tunes......

I don't really know what I should write about. I'm just watching my fingers float around the keyboard like they're some sort of spider walkers.....I want to smoke a cigarrette, and talk to my friends....call my people, and try to contact the spirits. I was born in California. Who was born in California? Who's going to burn California when the patriots come to town?

I want to eat olives from my fingers, i want to knock on my grandma's door and have her invite me inside, i want to ask for a doll for christmas and get it, i want to sneak into my brother's room and have him ride his bike into the alley with me, i want to squeeze a lemon into the priest's eye, i want to sing my songs for my cousins at christmas, i want to be what everyone used to think she was.......

but my grandma is dead, and my brother is married......and now i'm expected to buy gifts for christmas. Because i'm a grown up now...i'm supposed to be the bigshot now. I went to college, and why aren't I the success i'm supposed to be? i just want to sleep, after drinking 6 beers. She's a loser now....she's a nothing......she's a baby doll gone sour. Death to Roni, death to roni............death to that god damn stupid bitch....burn baby burn......burn, motherfucker, burn.............

Cash Money Bling Bling

Oh what a joy it was to get paid. I missed the simple little pleasures of things such as sliding my ATM card through the gasoline pumps, and pumping my car full of gas. It's been running on fumes for almost 4 days. I am often amazed at how my car seems to never run out of gas, despite my insistance on driving while the empty light shines so brightly. It was also pleasant to finally have the money to go buy more of my body wash and uber lotion. It was almost torturous to use Zest and those crazy smelling Victoria Secrets lotions.  It was also so nice to finally get that Pond's face lotion that your skin just drinks up like dew. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, as surprising as it may sound to some people, it was fantastic to have a pampered shower with all the moisterizing and freshly fragranced essentials.
 
Recipe for the Perfect Show-Show
1) Matrix Shampoo and Conditioner
2) Dr. Bronners hippy shit
3) Brand new Loofah
4) Shower gloves
5) Apricot Facial Scrub
6) Raspberry shaving cream
7) Pink Venus Shaver
8) Nature's Gate Hemp Lotion
 
It was also nice to have the ability to buy a birthday present for my little sister. Her birthday is tomorrow, like Mark Meyer's. I also indulged in my sweet guilty pleasure of purchasing a Caramel Frappuccino from the evil conglomerate.  I made up for it by making my dad and sister come see Fahrenheit 911 with me. Anywho, i'm happier now that i'm less of a pigeon. It sickens me to feel like the dirty birdy rat with wings.
 
I had a good weekend, getting drunk with old high school peeps and visiting with the sweetest little baby ever.
I'm beginning to get a little more comfortable with the status quo. But not too comfortable.  

Who's that Girl?

Slutty bridesmaids, endangered felines, rich blood, harlem, retarded UPSmen, missing keys, love, scandal, leather jackets, fencing, motorcycle cops, and madonna.....how can you go wrong? Well I surely can't imagine how. My favorite running joke is how everyone in NY has had Wendy Worthington in the cab before. Anyway, I've been noticing that these stories of mismatched love, eighties and others send horrible messages to the poor, feeble minded such as myself. The timeless story of the freeminded child/whore who slowly wins her way into the cold, bankrupt heart of a tax attorney.These movies are always the same.
Okay Okay okay, so i have been known to watch shamefully cheesy romantic comedies, but i also watch normal movies too. And I sometimes begin to wonder why I tend to become obsessed with the impossible. For instance, if something is weird or crazy, or just downright idiotic, chances are I will fall in love with it. Well, it's just easier to blame movies and shut the fuck up.



"You'll take care of me, won't you?"-Wendy
"Of course i will, i'm very muscular"-upsman



On A faraway side note, .... I have nothing to do with this

HOwever, i do have ties with this one....Too much time on my hands

Wine then beer, fine and queer....

Who gives a shit about what I've spent my week looking forward to? A night with Pacificos on the pull out couch? Maybe a Friday out to the movies? Perhaps a swirly drive down the mountain where my head won't hurt and my lungs won't feel like a freezer bag? Or perhaps its a chainsmoking evening on the porch kicking my dog's head. I don't know why Friday seems like such a big deal, like something oh so fun to look forward to. Only for some psycho reason, it seems like a little jewel at the end of the race. It seems like the little baby's pacifier.

All I wanted to do after work was as follows: call my friend in portugal, have a couple of glasses of wine, go see Anchorman, and then vegetate while reading my other friend's book. Well, I saw Anchorman, and now i'm drinking beer (aka. the killer of self esteem and motivation, or maybe it's the mother of the two....i always forget) REgardless...I'm losing in all my games of scrabble.....people use all their fucking letters, Anchorman wasn't as good as i wanted it to be, my calling card being a fucking cheap ass thing, and my dog growling at my feet.....

The only thing that keeps everything so fresh and fun is my willingness to revel in such pathetic existence. Ya sure, I may even think that i'm exaggerating, except for I have the memory of the two hours I just wasted watching the remake of Freaky Friday with the fucking hermaphodite. Wait a second, is it Jamie Lee Curtis or Jodie Foster who harbors a penis? Well, i guess that is one of life's greatest questions that will never be answered. The saddest part of this story is that the made for 13 y.o. retards of a movie was actually making me laugh. Well, like when Curtis' character pretends like she's going to hit her son. And when she calls him an idiot and he looks like he's about to cry. I don't know why but both child and animal abuse really really entertain me. For instance, i don't think i was able to breathe during Anchorman when Jack black kicks the dog off the bridge. It reminded me of that halarious story back in 2000 when some guy threw this old lady's bichon frise onto freeway traffic. My god, the halarity.

Anyway, i know there's alot of people out there who "love" animals, but come on, it's like that time my very very funny friend started singing that song "if yr happy and you know it, abuse a child".....ALRIGHT, i'll stop with the abuse jokes. Sure, some people don't "get" things.

What the hell am i even talking about? Who are these people? Are you one of them? Well, goddamn it, answer me....ARE YOU?

Day Seven

Wake:720
breakfast:yogurt
lunch:bagel with salami
dinner:salad, ritz with cream cheese, 2 slices plastic wrap cheese
water:4 glasses
exercise:not much...i skipped my afternoon walk to enjoy the empty house to myself
sentiments:i feel shitty about skipping my walk
wine:i've had 3 glasses of apricot wine.....oh so good.....it's good to feel a bit spinny....it works even better after having salad for dinner.
Bed:Very soon, i'm exhausted......

Underwriting at an insurance broker

When my boss first explained wedding insurance to me, I was like, "dude, don't those rich son of a bitches have anything better to spend their money on?" It doesn't even insure against change of heart.
Nonetheless, the point is this- most people buy it because the luxurious halls, museums, hotels, restaurants, etc. where the reception is held, will most likely require the host of the wedding to purchase 500,000-2,000,000 liability insurance. The presence of alcohol is the root of the evils, but i digress.
So if you know me at all, then you won't be surprised by the endless stream of ridiculous questions I asked. The answers usually baffled or angered me. For instance, I asked why the insurance doesn't end until 2 days after the event. If the event is over, why does the insurance continue? Well, apparently guests of the event can sue the host or the establishment for these idiotic things. 1) Getting wasted, driving drunk, injuring another person or car. The other person suing the establishment which furnished the alcohol to the said person. Let's forget about the thing called personal responsibility. That's what's wrong with everything i hate. 2) Getting poisoned by the food, but not realizing it until the next day. If sued, the insurance will still be around.
OKAY, so what underwriting entails is as follows: 1) Checking over the applications to make sure the layman has filled it out correctly 2) Issuing insurance policies based on the approval of the application 3) A bunch of correspondence and Mumbo Jumbo, like faxing confirmations, issuing Certificates of Liability, etc. 4) Making copies and folders galore for these files 5)Mailing 6) Filing 7) Answering questions and calls.

Alright. So now that you know how the job works, step two requires the natural progressions of Roni's inner thoughts. IF, and only IF, one would want to do illegal activities....my god, how easy it would be....credit card numbers flying around like confetti, verification codes as tempting as frosting on a cake, and the guts to make all my dreams come true? Well, nowhere...i am as innocent as a billy goat chewing on a can. In a field. by some hillybilly's skeleton of a car.

Day Six

Wake Up:7am
Breakfast: Coconut yogurt
Lunch: Leftover chicken from last night (My mommy made me a Lunchy)
Dinner: uh, the rest of my lunch chicken
Water:8 glasses
Exercise:45 min walk
Sentiments: I'm alright i guess.
Bed: Who can say?

Day Five

Wake Up:7am
Breakfast: Some generic version of Grapenuts with milk and sugar
Lunch: Tofu, apple, tortilla
Dinner:chicken, broccoli, rice + 2 glasses of wine
Water:6 glasses
Exercise:30 min walk
Sentiments: I'm fucking tired
Bed: Before 9pm

Day Four

Wake Up:7am
Breakfast:Water
Lunch: Yogurt, tofu, tortilla,
Dinner:Chile Verde con frijoles
Water: 8 glasses...yea!
Exercise:45 min of fast walk
Productivity: 1st day of work
Sentiments: I had an overal okay day. And i'm so tired. I think i might like my job. If first days mean anything.

A History of Firework Loving........

1979--Still in the Ole Tummy. I did enjoy the Fireworks at Rosewood Park, though I was pissed that I didn't have much of a view. Still though, the Corona was a nice touch. Thanks Mom.

1982--I'm getting used to having a little brother. He may get more attention than I do, but i get to hold a sparkler.

1983-86--Dad brings us to Abuela's house where it is legal to set off yr own. After getting bored with wimpy sparklers, I learned that i liked to kick those fire-flowers that spin on the floor. I still wasn't allowed to light them. (That doesn't mean that I didn't.)

1989--My first trip to Mexico, and introduction to sky-rockets. My brother and I would shoot them out of a Corona bottle at each other on the beach. (Thanks again, Mom)

1991--My Bart Simpson T-shirt suffered a massive hole in the back due to an airborne fire-flower. Thanks, Ricky.

1993--After moving from East LA, they no longer let you light yr own fireworks. So this time we had to see watch those lousy air fireworks in the park. This is the year I began to get disillusioned about the 4th.

1995--I learned the historical significance of my precious day of fire.

1997--Another Mexico 4th, this time filled with my own consumption of Corona. The phrase "fire in the hole" became popular with Kenny, my brother and I as we threw firecrackers into people's tents.

1998--I began getting distracted from my love of fireworks when came my love of alcohol. This was the year Kenny flew us off a cliff, and we were stuck in weeds. We had to walk back to the rest of the folks, unaware of what really happened, or why.

2000--I began to discover that Kenny may just love fire as much as me. This was the year we set a couch on fire in the middle of the apartment building. I also remember Mark Meyer throwing firecrackers at cars on Dwight.

2003--I don't think I did a thing with fireworks this year. I just remember getting very very drunk at Eiji's house.

2004--Calm, friendly BBQ at Janine's House. No drunkenness, no fire. I've been thinking alot about fire.

Day Three

Wake Up: 10am
Breakfast: Ring Pop
Lunch: Chips and Dip
Dinner:Corn on Cob, 1/2 Sausage, mac salad
Beers:4
Productivity: Hanging out, talking, and chain smoking on the porch.
Sentiments: That's a successful BBQ if i've ever seen one.

Day Two

Wake Up: 11am
Breakfast: water
Lunch: Tunafish and cherries (gross combination, i know)
Dinner: Tofu, apple, carrots, celery, dip
Water:6 glasses
Exercise:30 minute walk/jog
Sentiments: Alright, though i felt bad about the 4 Coors Lights I drank.
Productivity: I hung out.
Bedtime: Late
Goal: Have fun

Dear MrkMyr and Tre-C

How dumb is it to get excited when you see a comment on the blog? Like i said in my very first blog, I wasn't very sure about this blogging business....but now i see how it sorta makes things interesting. Good job guys....(in my mind, you invented blogs) Both of you, simultaneously, on opposite ends of the earth.

Day One

Wake up:12pm
Breakfast:Too late...
Lunch: Grapes
Dinner: Corn on cob, asparagus, steak
Water: 4 glasses
Exercise: 30 minute jog/walk around the 'hood
Sentiments: Not quite as good as I'd like it, but as long as it's an improvement from yesterday, then i'm okay.
Productivity: Not very much
Bedtime: Attempting before 12am
Goal for tomorrow: Go to Janine's or maybe Sherin's house if she is down here like she said last weekend. Pay my credit card bill.

Day Zero

Wake up: 10am
Breakfast: Bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch with milk
Lunch: Turkey Sandwich w/ mozzarella, about 30 pistachios and 2 cookies
Dinner: 2 Slices of Hawaiaan, 1 slice Sausage (Dominoes)
Water: 1 and 1/2 glass
Exercise: None
Sentiments: Come the fuck on, this is just not okay anymore. Maybe this embarrassing recounting of your poor habits will encourage some improvement.
Productivity: Job interview, and I got it.
Bedtime: Unsure
Goal for tomorrow: Drive to LA and buy some fireworks. Take guitar and play with new friend. Visit Rebecca if she writes me back. Enjoy last weekday of freedom.
Goal for July: Lose 8-10 pounds, place $900 in savings account, record the 4 new songs I've recently written, fix mom's sewing machine.

The "Man" has lured me to a hazy quiet place where he beats with a stick

In other words, I got the job. I have officially licked and closed the little envelope that is my life. Only, I'm the cheap, poisonous envelope that George Castanza purchases one fateful New York summer day. I am told that I will be an underwriter for an insurance company. I wonder how many people knew there was a such thing as wedding insurance? Ah, maybe it's one of those things that everyone knows, but never speaks about when y'r chatting on a terrace with a beer in yr hand. "It's not something you learn in school, it's just something you've got to experience." Who knows the source of that beautiful quote? Anywho, I think this mountain life is going to be permanent. So i'm documenting this day. By the way, last weekend during my Oaktown excursion, I did some new daily snooping. I'm working on the updates. I wonder if there's a such thing as fool insurance?

Highlight of the Day: During a screening of The Banger Sisters, I called my mom and asked her to guess how many cookies were in my mouth. She hung up on me. She should watch more TV, like a good American.

Top Ten Reasons to visit Oaktown in Summer

10) All the babies come out to play. (i met harold)
9) Getting yr raft stuck in a tree after taking a wrong turn
8) Learning about new buns in ovens
7) sunburns
6) Gay pride weekend in SF
5) getting pissy
4) rich peoples' gardens
3) Gin and Tonic in the backyard
2) Secret rendezvous
1) The disgusting smell of "the beautiful lake Merritt"

Am I a robot?

How intricate of a machine must you be to have codes that seem like feelings? Sometimes events like the funerals or weddings seem like screenings. Yet the tears will fall during commercials for laundry detergent. There might have been a flaw in the programming. Sometimes I wonder if I was constructed by Hallmark. Or Disney, or some other major entity. Kodak, perhaps?
I don't know, and i wish i did. I sometimes become paranoid that other people can "log on". That my thoughts are being sold to marketing lists, that my turn-ons are being surveyed and all else to the recycle bin. I begin to receive little signals of what seems like real emotion. I begin to register through past experiences relating to this one, in any attempt to explain anything. I open old folders, I scan through faulty links, and i find very little.
Sometimes i think i feel a lack of pertinent operating materials. And sometimes i wonder if the database is secure. I sense a lack of privacy. Things aren't right.

dear diary

i feel like i'm 13 years old, sulking in a lit corner, everything all mixed up and splattered around, making my dramatic entrances, exits, pacing the room in baby steps.....i just miss being a grown-up, and i miss my best friend. I guess at 13, those are two of the most important things. At 25, it's the realization of the obvious.

Chicken Soup for the Alcoholic Soul

Oh suburbia, how i've missed your sweet, crappy strip malls and carbon copied track homes. After being in hillbill-ville, you learn to appreciate punk-ass wiggers with their hip hop ring tones, loitering in front of Walmart, pimpin' their rides, sporting their pro football jerseys. So i hung out with Angie in Temecula and we wallowed in our own separate hells together. It was nice to have a drinking buddy to race the beers down with, to bet on lakers games with, and to have an overall general hatred of things with.....Somehow i got suckered into betting for the Lakers, for some reason I wanted to make a bet even if i had to have the lame, Shaqy team. So i lost, but i didn't even have to experience it because i passed out on her couch before the game had ended.
We figured that we should get out of the house, so we hit the mall. After walking around Macy's for awhile, I decided that no matter how much I dislike mountain living, nothing will ever spawn my affection for the mall. So we left to Barnes and Noble. I walked around trying to find something to spend my $50 gift certificate on, until I came to the self help section. I figured that maybe one of these books could help me do something.....but as I scanned all the soups, I couldn't find a single one for me.

Recipe for Disaster

2 cups of chopped Self-loathing
3 cups of minced dependency
1.5 Liters of Gin
4 miserable limes
5 sprigs of wilted mint leaves
2 tbsp of bitter sweet
and a twist of strong, misdirected anger..........

Mix for hours and serve however...it, like alot of things, doesn't matter.....

I Can't work it...(is it worth it)?

Yep, so i don't know how to insert links into my sidebar. I fooled around with the cut and pasting action of HTML, but nope.

So anyway, I GOT TO LEAVE THE HILL TODAY!!!! After saying this, I just shake my head in grief, and sheepishly accept my fate. Anyhow, I helped my mom buy stuff for my brother's upcoming Vegas wedding. All, i kept thinking, everytime she'd pull out her credit card, was "Geez, this looks like more helping that I'm gonna have to do". She bought lace to wrap chocolates in for all 70 of the guests. And as I said, "Wow, Ricky and Jenna are going to have alot of these things to wrap", she replied "Oh, it's going to be a surprise. You and Rayna will be doing this" Only, we all know the capabilities of Rayna. My goodness.

Our shopping extraganza took us by the cemetary where Grandma is buried, and so we decided that we should pay her a visit. Only it was 8:20pm, and the sign states a 7pm closing. Well, this doesn't stop the tenacity of my mother. So we scale a 4ft. wall, wait for the sprinklers to finish watering Grandma, then go and show her my brother's engraved wedding goblets. It was nice to visit her grave especially because i haven't been there since i was 18. Also, those were nice goblets.

On our way back up the hill, a couple of strange things happened that made me think those weird spooky thoughts. You know, like things are haunted...well, i usually only get these feelings after my mom tells me something freaky, such as her theories on how my grandma's old house is cursed. Anyway, so we were talking about how my mom doesn't want to give this guy, Marty, a loan. I was agreeing that he didn't deserve it, when i remembered that i had to call Sahar about something. So i bring out my cell phone, and its little marker is right on Marty's name. Then I tell my mom, and she also finds it eerie. So she says, "i need a cigarette". I laughed, and i tried to find her lighter because i used it last. Well, earlier in the day, I was reprimanded for breaking her car lighter and getting it stuck in the hole. As i was looking for her lighter, the car lighter pops out. We both look at each other and get scared. Also, imagine the dark, spooky drive up a windy, foresty, mountain road. Alright, alright, so i'm superstitious and silly....FINE. It WAS weird though.
As for my grandma's cursed house, here's the story. My mom just sold it for the following reasons: 1) There was a murder in it. A few months ago, the schizophrenic daughter of the tenant renting the house goes BERZERKY and pulls the bathroom drawer out of it's socket and slams it on her mother's head until she dies of hurt head. 2) Two months before that, while my mom was getting the house prepared for new tenants, Ray decides to try and fix the leaky roof himself. Well, he falls through it and breaks his back. He is still injured today. 3)A year before that, the last tenant claims she always heard creepy noises at night and had terrible nightmares. She also loses her unborn child. 4) And 6 years before that, my grandma finds out she has lung cancer, and progressively gets sicker until she dies.
After hearing all of this, I did get caught in a momentary shiver, until I remembered the following things: 1) Schizophrenia is a very serious mental disorder, and bad things come from not taking your medication 2) Leaky rooves have the tendency to be soft and unstable 3) This one is just creepy 4) My grandma had been a smoker since childhood.